Giving Short Shrift

Giving Short Shrift

For some time now, a 2 X 4 hasn't been a 2 X 4; rather, it's been more like 1 1/2 X 3  1/2, as lumber manufacturers have not only cut corners to save money but have gone to any widths to do so.  Similarly, Quizno's  has gone to new lengths to make its shorter sub sandwiches, which consumers assume are six inches long, just five-and-one half, and they've amputated the big toes of their footlongs.  And faced with a dwindling number of full rounds of golf played annually by amateurs who find 18 holes too time consuming, the U.S. Golf Association is now promoting 9-hole rounds as a way of keeping their customers in the game.  Given our cultural predilection to save time and money, and given our national genetic inheritance of short attention spans, soon

We'll be running 5-mile marathons and 10-mile ultramarathons

Cars will race in the Indy 250

The film version of the D-Day invasion will be condensed to The Longest  Morning

On TCM we'll watch 15 Seconds Over Tokyo

Senate filibusters will be limited to 15 minutes

We'll elect our President to a 2-year term, our senators to a 3-year term, and our representatives to a 1-year term

A TV series will consist of 2 episodes

We'll eat Half-Minute Rice

We'll drink nano-instant coffee

Baseball's World Series will become a single-game playoff

We'll work out at 12 Hour Fitness

Governors will issue stays of execution at the 5th-and-a-half hour

We'll rock half-way around the clock

We'll measure once and cut once

Folk wisdom will maintain that a half-stitch in time will save 4 1/2

We'll offer blokes a hay-penny for their thoughts

When we feel we have a sure thing, we'll go the whole 4 1/2 yards and bet 50 cents to a half-doughnut

When we're unable to meet expectations, we'll say we're a half-day late and 50 cents short

We'll pop in to an 3:30/5:30 convenience store

We'll work an honest 4-hour day and 20-hour week (oh, wait--that's already happening so employers can avoid paying benefits)

When we're being health conscious we'll drink V-4 juice

Boxers will be ruled knocked out at the count of 5

Starbucks will offer us a 6 ounce tall drink

We'll settle for half an enchilada and half a Monty

We'll consider a quarter of a loaf to be better than none

We'll figure we've come full circle after making a 180 degree turn

When we don't feel like trying, we'll go at things quarter-assed or quarter-heartedly

When we want to give grudging praise, we'll say something's not one-fourth bad

We'll fix our squeaks with  1 1/2-in-1 oil

Wrestlers will wear halfsies instead of onesies

When we're happy, we'll be on Cloud 4 1/2

When we feel that the world is playing "Gotcha" with us, we'll attribute that to Catch 11

Daily papers will be published every other day

To acknowledge national losses, we'll put the flag at quarter-mast

We'll shop with 1 1/2-for-1 coupons

On Sunday nights we'll watch 30 Minutes

David Letterman will entertain us with his Top 5 lists

JFK conspiracy theorists will concede that there was just one gunman

Couples will celebrate their Golden Anniversary after 25 years of marriage

Hotlines will operate 12 hours a day

We'll have 12-hour news cycles

A New York minute will be a New York 30 seconds

Twice-baked potatoes will be baked once and microwaved once

Monopoly players passing GO will collect $100

The legal drinking age will be lowered to 18

The legal voting age will be lowered to 16

The legal driving age will be lowered to 14

We'll take  One-Every-Other- Day vitamins

We'll offer congratulations with a high 2  1/2

We'll tell slackers on the job to waste time on their own nickel

We'll bury the dead 3 feet under

Football teams will put in their 2 1/2-cent defense on obvious passing downs

NCAA freshman basketball players with professional aspirations will be "half and done"

When we want an uncola, we'll ask for a 3 1/2-Up

We'll add 1/4 and 1/4 cream to our coffee

In emergencies, we'll dial 4 1/2-1

When we're traveling on a tight budget, we'll stay at a Motel 3 or a Super 4

When we're dolled up, we'll be dressed to the 4 1/2s

Surfers will hang 5

Long-range weather forecasts will cover the next 3 1/2 days

24 will become 12

We'll waltz in 1 1/2-2 time

When we want to rest, we'll take 2 1/2

We'll shop at the Half-Dollar Store

Alcoholics Anonymous will offer a 6-step program

An average life span will be said to be 1 1/2 score and 5--now wait just a gosh-darn old-fashioned whole minute: that's going entirely too far!

*****

Proposals in the Digital Age

 Having left behind the analogue world with its trite trope of suitors taking a knee and proffering a ring to their beloveds, men seeking to unite somewhat permanently with women (or with other men or Bis or TGs) and women seeking to unite somewhat permanently with men (or with other women or Bis or TGs) may soon, in a text composed at a traffic light or during a TV commercial, be popping the question in digital diction something like this:

Will you share GPS coordinates with me

Will you update your status to reflect your relationship with me

Will you change your settings to mine

Will you be my only tweetheart

Will you go on Safari with me

Will you share my wallpaper and my firewall

Will you boot up with me

Will you be my Helpmate

Will you be my Internet-Explorer companion

Will you complete me by becoming my add-on

Will you be my most Favorite

Will you go to the front of my queue

Will you exchange passwords with me

Will you share my user ID

Will you change your default font to mine

Will you share my Dropbox

Will you make my Home Page yours

Will you hack into me

Will you download me

Will you share folders with me

Will you share metadata with me

Will you take an exclusive Pinterest in me

Will you belong only to Siri and me

Will you move into my control center

Will you be my mouse in the house

Will you include me in your selfie

Will you change your template to mine

Will you share my home network

Will you create a page with me

Will you change your track to mine

Will you give me your Word

Will you put your head in the Cloud with mine

Will you be accessible only to me

Will you lock your rotation for me

Will you become my hashtag-mate

Will you share your file with me

Will you link websites with me

Will you make me the main item on your Menu

Will you start-up with me

Will you allow me to be your cookie

Will you share my bandwidth

Will you make me number 1 on your speed dial

Will you put me first on your playlist

Will you drag me but not drop me

Will you delete everyone but me

Will you promise never to unfriend me

Will you show immediate Electronic Device Insensitivity when I call, text, or email you

Will you be my Wi-F-i hope

till death, or meth, or a more attractive interface do us part?

 *****

 To Bitcoin a Phrase

 And surely many common expressions that American speakers of English have fallen back on for years will evolve into the following as the Millennials and their offspring seek more digitally meaningful language:

Text if you get work

Text on!

That's all she texted

You messaged me on a false pretext

Don't take something out of a con's text

I detext you

Let's unsubscribe from each other

Let's just be non-speed dial callers for now

Don't take things so alphanumerically

I think--therefore, I  I-M

I got lucky--it just fell into my laptop

LOL and the world LOLs with you

They're as alike as two peas in a podcast

I'll be with you in just a GIF

The check is in the fiber-optics

Let's touch screens with each other regularly

I don't know why I called him--I was really Skyping the bottom of the barrel

A good techie never blames his toolbar

You shouldn't go at something just half-Glassed

He died with his reboots on

I blame it on the fickle finger of F8

Mr. Zuckerberg, tear down that Wall!

There's no place like Chrome

Latest comments

29.03 | 17:31

Hi Bruce,
I smiled a lot as I looked! Sometimes I didn't quite understand, other times I did! Keep doing this! You are a fun thinker!

05.07 | 23:04

hi! your blog is really fantastic! you are really lucky to have it. I have one but i did not have a single like apart from me

11.10 | 23:42

No longer pray for an outcome. Just do the footwork, if I can see any. I just pray for the grace to willing accept what the outcome will be.

30.06 | 02:37

yo that is so cool