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High school yearbooks have a section devoted to senior class member "celebrities" who, to their classmates, stood out: Best Dancer, Sunniest Smile, Best Athlete, Brainiest, Most Spirited, Most Talented, Most Mischievous, Best Figure and Physique, Prettiest Eyes, Prettiest Hair, Best-Looking, Best Personality, Most Popular, Most Likely to Succeed, and so on. To us in the class of 1957, however, those categories no longer have relevance. It is time, I believe, to replace them with new ones that will redefine celebrity status for us old-timers when we gather for our 55th reunion in 2012. The men and women who stand out in the following categories are the Really Senior Celebrities:
Most Operated Upon
Most Artificial Parts
Most Likely to Reach the "Doughnut Hole" in Medicare Prescription Coverage
Most Likely to Say to Politicians "Keep Your Cotton-pickin' Hands off my Social Security and my Medicare"
Largest Annual Viagra Bill
Longest Married
Most Frequently Married
Most Distinguished Head of Gray
Best Dye Job
Best Looking Bald Dome
Best Hair Transplant
Best Set of Original Teeth
Most Great-Grandchildren
Most Likely to Volunteer
Most Likely to Group-Forward an e-Mail
Most Willing to Drive at Night
Most Widely Traveled
Most Cruises Taken
Most Likely to Have Visited all 50 States
Most Charitable
Most Computer-Savvy
Most Frequent User of Electronic Technology
Most Spiritual
Most Likely to be Found in a Reclining Chair
Most Likely to Have Been a "Tiger Mom"
Most Likely to Use Discount Coupons
Most Likely to Use Groupon
Most Likely to Seek out Restaurants Featuring Buffets
Best Toenail Paint Job
Most Likely to Eat Dinner at 4:30 p.m.
Most Likely to Be in Bed by 8:00 p.m.
Most Likely to Arise at 4:00 a.m.
Most Likely to Make more than Three Nocturnal Trips to the Bathroom
When Awake, Most Likely to Stay Close to a Bathroom
Most Physically Fit
Most Frequent Taker of Naps
Most Likely to Be Found in a Casino
Easiest of Hearing
Most Ear Hair
Best Unaided Vision
Most Likely to Participate Competitively in a Sport
Best Knowledge of One's Genealogy
Most Likely to Research One's Civic Heritage
First to Have Retired
Most Likely to Be the Last to Retire
Biggest Stay-at-Home
Most Likely to Show You Pictures of His/Her Grandchildren
Most Likely to Spoil His/Her Grandchildren
Most Likely to Use an Internet Dating Site
Most Time Spent Watching TV
Most Likely to Say of Each New Technological Device that Comes Along: "I Don't Need That, I Don't Want That"
Yes, life has changed for the septuagenarian set, as you can further glean by perusing the following "Remarks You Just Don't Hear Anymore":
It's a Kodak moment.
Oh, no, I forgot film for the camera.
Uh-oh, the diaper pail's full. Time to wash diapers.
It's twenty after three.
While you're up, would you change the channel?
Mind if I smoke in here? Can I bum a cig from you?
Have you got this baseball cap in my size?
Can I borrow a quarter to use the pay phone?
Can I use some of your EZ-erase tying paper?
I forgot to program my VCR.
I got some cassette tapes so I can practice my conversational French when I'm driving in the car.
Have you got a bottle opener?
Yeah, I get an oil change every 1,000 miles and a tuneup every 10,000.
I'll just hold the child on my lap when we drive down to the store.
Can you believe it? That NBA basketball player makes a million dollars a year.
Would you check the fluid in the ditto machine and then crank out 20 copies of this ditto-master, please?
I can't believe I just heard someone swear on NBC during primetime.
Hey, old-timer, if you're not wearing a skirt you can't hit from the red tees.
He swung his mashie and hit the ball into a sandtrap.
Is there a shoeshine boy in this train station?
We closed the deal over a three-martini lunch.
Come on over. We'll spin some platters and cut a rug. I just got some new 45s, including Patti Paige's "Tennessee Waltz" and Rosemary Clooney's "Come On-a My House"
I heard a good Polack joke the other day.
I bet it isn't better than the one I heard about the dumb blonde.
That's hilarious. I'm going to post it on MySpace.
I'm going over to J.K. Gill's for some stationery and a cartridge for my fountain pen so I can write a letter.
I need another pair of shoetrees so I can keep my new oxfords in good shape.
The salesman checked out my feet on the flouroscope before fitting me with my new blue suedes.
Coach organized a phone tree for our baseball team so he won't have to call every player to notify them of rainouts.
I need to check the card catalogue to find that book.
Yeah, I just renewed my subscription to AOL's internet dial-up service.
Let's watch the 6:00 news.
I need to make an entry in my diary.
Let me just jot that down on my wall calendar.
Ichiro's been on fire all season--he's hitting .325 and has over 200 hits.
With all the great hitting stats he's piled up, Barry Bonds is a lock for the Hall of Fame.
As usual in Pac 10 football, the USC Trojans are the team to beat.
Let's do some jumping jacks to warm up.
I need some new leg warmers for my aerobics class.
Those polyester pants will look good at the disco.
I need to go to AAA and get a map for my roadtrip.
I'll just look in the Yellow Pages for that phone number.
I left a message on my son's answering machine.
You can't wear shorts to school.
You'd better behave or your teacher will send you to the Principal's office for a paddling.
This football team runs either the single wing or the T formation with a fullhouse backfield.
He's a pretty big offensive lineman--he weighs about 230.
You'll hit a better percentage of your free throws if you shoot them underhanded.
If you lift weights, you'll get muscle-bound and lose your flexibility.
High school kids shouldn't play one sport year round because they'll get stale.
What this town needs is another coffee shop.
It's going to take half an hour to heat up these leftovers in the oven.
Will you drive down to the cold storage locker place and bring back some of those wild blackberries that we picked last summer?
What's FM radio?
You want to watch baseball? You know, the Rainiers play a doubleheader every Sunday.
We'd better stock up on beer Saturday night because stores aren't allowed to sell it on Sunday.
Nylon stockings always make a nice present for the lady in your life.
Buying a house is a great investment.
There must have been a second shooter--people heard shots fired from the grassy knoll.
I'm having trouble with the vertical hold on my TV set. It probably needs a couple of new tubes.
It would be nice if there were a way to know whether our unborn baby is going to be a boy or a girl.
Hey, Baby, what's your sign?
That is so yesterday.
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