Not-Approved-By-That-Other-NPR Headlines

Welcome again to NPR, National Punning Radio.  Here are headlines from stories we're following today:

Southern Californians worried about LAX security

Driver who slurred words charged with DUI and hate speech

Would-be buyer's tender offer melts CEO's heart

U.S. shoreline infrastructure crumbling due to pier pressure

In homage to late Rodney King, advocates for legalizing marijuana adopt new slogan: "Can't we all get along?  Can't we all share a bong?"

Psychology journal typo refers to "mentally il" (sic)

Pope admonishes Vatican physicians concerned about his vital signs, says apostolic over diabolic more important than systolic over diastolic

Apple offers to fund iRaq's reconstruction in exchange for naming rights

Huge snowstorm prompts cosmetology school officials to offer makeup exams

Arch conservative decides to treat foot problems with orthotics instead of surgery

Mad Men execs so successful with clients that AMC sends out John Hamm and John Slattery to sell ads for the network

New Age therapist who preaches medication through meditation can now be contacted at www.calm

Mayor Bloomberg to soda manufacturers: "Chill.  I'm not calling New Porkers obese.  I'm just sayin' that their BMIs are way high, bro'.  And I'm lifting all restrictions on soda consumption because I now realize that mass is caused by the Higgs boson"

Solidarity of ship's crew attributed to work of Higgs, bo's'n

Discovery of hugs boson explains why so many American men now embrace instead of shaking hands

Historian says John Thoreau died unexpectedly from tetanus in arms of brother Henry David; readers wonder why author of Walden didn't succumb as well

Feds say census revision necessary because officials failed to account for undercounted overcounts, undercounted undercounts, overcounted overcounts, and overcounted undercounts

Virtual boredom: study shows kids now experiencing ennui on wii

Putting the peddle to the medal: Olympic athletes sometimes trade their awards for cash

Basketball analyst Jeff Van Gundy says "It's the NBA playoffs--let 'em play.  The refs are making too many no-good calls and not enough good no-calls"

They've got mail: thousands of hapless message-checkers engulfed in spam maelstrom

Police adopt no-tolerance policy for carriers of STDs who make public displays of infection

Classic 8-oz stubby Coke bottle named all-time pop icon

Rehab group greets lapsed alcoholic with boos

Serial killer exercises his demons

Literary critics deem work of writer on Prozac prosaic

Evolutionary biology in action: when the bar is set high, the fittest find a  taller bar stool

Judges in bathing suit contest now sorry they voted for contestant with 40-inch hips--but, then, hindsight is always 20-20

Responding to appeals for clemency in capital punishment case, AZ Governor Jan Brewer says "In keeping with the highest standards of decorum, the execution will be staid"

As patients with colds and pneumonia clog their facilities, urgent care centers adopt congestion pricing

Remake of The 3 Stooges film prompts revival of nyuck-nyuck jokes

Phoenix Suns supporters nashing teeth as star guard, once considered the fanchise, signs with L.A. Lakers

Teenage autodidact teaches self to drive

New block watch slogan on George Zimmerman's street: "Shootin' good in the neighborhood"

Teen previously derided by friends for being "all thumbs" wins speed-texting contest

Restuarant owner pooh-poohs patrons' concerns about cleanliness of bathrooms

Author of My Life with Alzheimer's unable to find publisher

Afghan security play Kabuled together

Yogi Berra says we shouldn't be amazed by rare events because they happen all the time

Researchers conduct double-blind study on sightlessness

New Western movie is feel-good story about a wrangler and his coworkers

Applicant's verbal SAT score is nothing to write home about

In Phoenix, excessive-heat warnings become excessive heat warnings

Citing right to privacy, Wikileaks refuses to reveal sources

Many seniors say they see no need for cataract surgery

As calls go out to abolish the penny, numismatists experience that zincing feeling

Apprentice finds it easy to job-shadow heavy equipment operator

Clerk swipes customer's credit card

Latest comments

29.03 | 17:31

Hi Bruce,
I smiled a lot as I looked! Sometimes I didn't quite understand, other times I did! Keep doing this! You are a fun thinker!

05.07 | 23:04

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11.10 | 23:42

No longer pray for an outcome. Just do the footwork, if I can see any. I just pray for the grace to willing accept what the outcome will be.

30.06 | 02:37

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