 |
|
|
 |
|
Computer experts say that we'll soon be finding desktops--and even laptops--too cumbersome and confining. They expect that enhanced cell phones will be the primary internet device for most people by 2020. The phones may also come with an optional gadget, much like a knee brace, that can harness the power of the human gait, generating enough juice to power the phone. It might be best to hold off on a knee replacement, or even arthroscopic surgery for a torn meniscus, since you may opt to wear a knee brace anyway. And--hold the phone--that cell will have another use. Soon you'll be able to test your blood with it. In my case, I'll jump on my cell and measure my PSA, INR, TSH, HDL, and LDL levels, then check the internet to see what the readings mean for the dosages on my medications. If only the little thing could write prescriptions for me, I could almost dispense with my family physician. Wait a minute--I could also use it to hack into my doctor's files, steal his identity, and call Walgreen's. Wow! Somebody's shrill ringtone in a movie theater or a one-way conversation at high decibel level by the guy seated next to me in the dentist's waiting room are small prices to pay for such independence.
Martin Luther King's reference to his oneiric life may soon be so yesterday. He was required to first have his dream and then tell us about it--but Japanese researchers have now succeeded in processing and displaying simple images directly from the brain to the computer screen. Can it be long before we go to bed with not only nightguards, ear plugs, and sleeping masks but also electrodes somehow linked from our brain to our internet-enabled cell phones for the purpose of broadcasting our dreams to eager oneirocritics and oneiromancers? Soon we may have our own wild streaming videos playing on YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook.
Beverly Hills doctor Allen Bittner, a liposuction specialist, has succeeded in turning fat removed from his patients into biodiesel fuel that powered his Ford SUV and his girlfriend's Lincoln Navigator. Fat contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. A gallon of grease produces about a gallon of fuel. Tyson, the poultry giant, is now looking into the possibility of powering its trucks on chicken schmaltz. Mike Shook, of Agri Process Innovations, a builder of diesel plants, says that this year's batch of biodiesel was likely more than half animal-derived, because the price of soybeans has soared. Doing my part to free America from dependence on Mid-East oil, I am now putting away two or three Whoppers for lunch daily, and I've scheduled a liposuction with Doctor Bittner in early April, right after my softball and tennis leagues end their winter seasons.
Speaking of Whoppers, Burger King is marketing a new men's body spray called "Flame," now available online. The spray has "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat." Judy gave me some for Christmas, and now whenever I mist myself seductively we both get very excited and dash out to the nearest flame-broiler emporium for another burger.
"Aussie, Aussie, Aussie--Oy, Oy, Oy!" Kudos to the Australians for doing their part to fight global warming. Cattle, of course, produce copious amounts of methane gas, thought to be a major contributor to warming. However, kangaroos produce no methane, so many eco-stralians are urging their countrymen to raise, and repast upon, roos. What they get from Winnie the Pooh can be offset by Kanga the Roo.
Coming at the g-w problem from another direction, Idaho's energy czar Paul Kjellander seeks to transform his state into a "methane mecca" by using pipelines to link manure digesters at dairy farms to central refineries that would produce natural gas for homes and cars. Dairies could milk the situation further by firing turbines with methane, putting electricity into the power grid, then sell carbon credits to offset U.S. greenhouse gas emissions.
And there's still another way to offset those emissions. San Francisco International Airport will give guilt-ridden travelers a chance to offset the air pollution emitted from their plane rides. It will set up kiosks so passengers can calculate the amount of carbon dioxide for which they are responsible and then purchase certified carbon offsets. Tough question: when I fly out of San Fran, having left my heart behind, will I pretend not to see the kiosk just as I pretend not to see the Starbuck's tip jar?
In regard to heavy snowstorms in Western Washington that caused power outages and made many roads impassable, forcing folks to seek shelter in local hotels, Lisa Burley, director of sales at the Redmond Inn, said, "Those of us in the hotel industry pray for big storms in December because we're typically pretty slow." Her brother, Hurly Burley, owner of a hotel on a piece of relatively high ground in New Orleans, recalls praying for the onset of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. And genealogical studies reveal that Burley ancestors who owned large caves were urging the Lord to rain down fire and brimstone upon Sodom and Gomorrah back in the day.
In Afghanistan, U.S. intelligence agencies are using cash, medicines, construction materials, or Viagra to buy information about Taliban operations from tribal chieftains. Guess which type of payment the oldest of the tribal lords prefer? Muslims may come to appreciate our corrupt Western way of life after all.
A New Jersey supermarket recently refused to make a birthday cake featuring the name of Heath Campbell's son, three-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell. The Campbells ultimately got their cake made at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania. The Campbells' two other children are named Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. It's probably a good thing for them that they don't live in Brighton, Michigan, where being annoying ("by word of mouth, sign, or motions") is now against the law and punishable by fine.
Charles Ponzi mostly defrauded his fellow Italian-Americans. Just recently, Bernard Madoff defrauded a number of Jewish investors. In part because crimes like Ponzi schemes target identifiable groups and shatter the victims' notions regarding the trustworthiness of their group members, University of Maryland law professor Lisa Fairfax contends that intraethnic and intracommunal affinity fraud should be considered a hate crime. Soon it may be possible to commit a hate crime against "your own kind" as well as against "the other." Is this a meaningful extension of the notion of hate crime or, as I think, a meaningless watering-down of the idea?
The University of Chicago has joined what seems to be a nation-wide trend of allowing male and female students to live together not just on the same dorm floor but in the same dorm room. Some parents may be shouting "Code--or Coed--Red" at what they may regard as a chromosomal abberation, but most of the students approve. "Y not?" say the U.C. guys. "Xcellent," say the U.C. gals.
Already a contender for the title of longest, most awkward-sounding name in higher education, Indiana University-Purdue University Indiana is also the front runner in the make-a-palindrome-with-your-institution's-initials contest--IUPUI--as well as the chant-your-institution's-initials contest: "Ee You Wee--Poo Wee, Ee You Wee--Poo Wee." And wouldn't PalinDrome be a good name for a bicycle racing arena in Wasilla, AK?
Yes, it took incomparable incompetence on the part of management, coaches, and players for the NFL's Detroit Lions to go 0-16 this season. But you don't establish a record like that on lack of talent alone. You also need some crucial lucky breaks so that you don't accidentally make a few good plays and win a game.
Finally, help is on the way, fellow osteoporosistic seniors. We may no longer have to swallow vitamin D capsules daily, because scientists have invented an artificial "injectable bone" that flows like toothpaste and hardens in the body. And if that doesn't fix the problem, wearable air bags will soon be available as well. When we stumble on our way to the mailbox, the bag will deploy, cushioning our fall. Those of us who have played a little basketball will probably be able to dribble ourselves back home.
|
|
|