Hey, this has been one real kick-ass frat party. I've had such a great time dancing with you and talking with you that I've only sipped one beer all night.
What an interesting coincidence that we both graduate in soc at the end of this quarter. I'm so glad we met. You seem to get me.
I do get you.
I've had a great time, too. And I agree that one beer was plenty.
So, what do you think? Should I walk you back to your sorority?
I'd like that. But I need to know--did you bring protection?
Of course I brought protection. After all, this is
U.C. Berkeley, where no now means no. I have a contract folded up in my back pocket. With something like 20% of American females reporting that they've been sexually assaulted, not to mention a ton of guys out there being charged with drugging
their dates, I wouldn't leave home without one. And you?
I carry contract protection 24/7. There's always one folded up in my purse. This will actually be the
first time I've used it, though.
Honestly? Me too! Anyway, bearing that in mind, would it be okay if we strolled hand in hand?
That's agreeable to me. Let's take out our contracts. Do you have a pen? Good. Now, let's both fill out line 1, and then you can initial my contract and I'll do the same on yours.
Don't forget to include the date.
I won't. Don't forget to include the time.
No chance. Ah, it seems so natural to be walking together like this. Would it be all right if I gave you a two-second kiss?
Lips puckered, teeth together?
Yes.
Agreed. Let's fill out line 2, add
date and time, and initial.
Done. And what a sweet kiss that was! What if we kissed again with open mouths and a bit of tongue-touching?
I could go for that. Let's turn to line 3.
Wow, how nice was that? Welcoming, enticing, I might even say, if I weren't
afraid to risk a charge of sexual harassment. But look, here we are at your house already.
Would you like to come up to my room?
Definitely! Line 4?
Right.
If we're going
to be together in your room with the door closed, shouldn't we have witnesses?
Good point. We could get my sorority sister Tabitha and her friend Ramon. I saw them
downstairs when we came in.
Should we have them shoot videos with our phones to give us additional documentation?
More doc is always good, but I think there's too much danger of someone getting hold of our phones and sending the videos all over cyberspace. And, no offense, but can we even trust each other? Not that we're a couple yet
or anything, but there's been an epidemic of revenge porn following bad breakups, and I wouldn't want any part of that.
Nor would I. Let's ask Tabitha and Ramon just to
observe.
I agree. Oh, look. They're heading down the hall towards her room right now. Hey, Tab! Would you and Ramon help us out?
Sure. How?
Would you two watch as my companion--say, what is your name anyway?
Jacob. And you are....?
Isabella. So, Tab, will you guys watch as Jacob and I sign our hookup contracts and then proceed
to fulfill their terms?
Sure, as long as you'll do the same for Ramon and me after you finish here.
Deal.
Okay, sounds like we're good to go. To begin with, Izzy--may I call you Izzy?
Call
me Bella.
Gotcha. So, Bella, would it be all right if I touched you here?
Bella?
Yes, Tab.
Before you start, shouldn't each of you testify that you are not drunk or under the influence
of drugs?
Great idea. Thanks, Tab.
Dudes, I don't mean to butt in, but wouldn't
your contracts be stronger if you could offer evidence of your sobriety?
Like what, Ramon?
Well, I don't suppose you have a breathalyzer in your room, but you could each walk a straight line down the hall and back, and then you could each blow up a balloon. I've got some in my pocket along with my condoms. You're
welcome to take some of each.
Ramon, what a great suggestion! Thank you so much. Jacob, let's get to work on those little tests.
And write the results on line 5?
Absolutely.
So,
okay, the tests went well. And now, how about the touching?
Fine with me. Let's make that line 6.
Done. And next , I think I'd like to touch you here.
No problem. Line 7.
Is the touching eliciting wanted sensations?
Oh, yes, I'm into it. In fact, it makes me want to touch you there.
By all means. But let's just pop that little acceptance onto line 8 first. And look--it's 12:01. It's tomorrow already. Let's be sure that line 8 shows the correct
date.
Thanks for being so observant. Oh, Jacob, this is definitely working for me. I think I'm ready to talk about undressing.
So am I. Do you think we should each strip down on our own, or would you prefer we undress each other?
I'd prefer we undress
each other.
Start with the upper garments, do a little more foreplay, then move on to the lower garments?
I like that approach. Not too hasty, not too dragged out. Line 9?
Line 9.
You
know, Bella, it just feels so natural to be naked with you. I love your alabaster skin. Not that I wouldn't love Tabitha's mahogany equally as well--no offense meant, Tab.
None taken.
And I love the manly hirsutedness of your unwaxed naked flesh. But aren't you perhaps just a bit too naked?
You mean...?
Yes. I'd like you to put on some of Ramon's latex. Let's note that on line 10.
Okay, but don't you have your own security measure as well? Were you really going to rely on me--or Ramon, I should say?
Heavens, no. I'm wearing an IUD and I'm also on the pill. I'm not taking any chances.
I don't blame you. We'll add that information to line
10. Now I think we're ready for the next step. Permission to penetrate?
Permission granted. Line 11.
Any restrictions?
Yes. At least for this first time, we go face to face. No inversions, no upsadaises, no backdoor plays, no yoga postures,
no alternative entrances.
Simple missionary style?
Right. Just gimme that old time
religion.
Let line 11 so reflect. And away we go. I hope my technique is acceptable?
More than acceptable. You really know how to work a room. That figure 8 you do is something special. Ooo, and that hashtag move just set me all atwitter! Rock on. I think lightning is about to strike.
Hold on a sec. I'm wondering about our audience's reaction. Are they taking this in? I can't see behind me. Are they rapt?
Not exactly. Tab's texting and Ramon seems to have dozed off. But that's good. It shows they're not worried about us living up to the terms of our contracts.
And live up to them we shall. Now off we go, into the wild blue yonder.
Holy, moley, our ululations must have broken the sound barrier because
Tab and Ramon are now staring at us, just totally agog.
Bella! Jacob! That was wonderful! Congratulations!
So you two will sign our contracts as witnesses, Tab?
Absolutely! Then you get dressed and we'll all scoot on down to my room, where
you and Jacob can witness for us. In fact, Bella, I hope you don't mind, but you got such good results that I think we'll just copy your contracts. What do you think, Ramon?
Works for me. I mean, you can't improve on the Mona Lisa, so why reinvent the wheel?
Jacob, is it okay with you if they copy our contracts?
I'd be flattered.
And was the whole experience tonight as good for you as it was for me?
Maybe even better. Because just as we hit Mach one, I had the epiphany I've long been waiting for.
Really?
What was it?
My calling. First thing Monday, I'm going to register for law school.