Class, class, could we have order, please?
Prof, is that because we don't want the animals running the zoo?
Prof, is that because we don't want the inmates running the asylum?
Yes! Yes! Way to knock it out of the
park! Oh, class, that does please me so. Clearly, you have the basics down. As you analyze news events, without even thinking you automatically say that something is "iconic," or something "went viral," or something "spiraled out of control."
But today we "set the bar a little higher" as we undertake our final preparations for the rigorous Communications Common Core Catch-Word and Catch-Phrase Exam which each of you budding journalists--whether you plan to work in print or online or
on radio or television--must pass in order to receive your degree. We're going to review by means of an oral quiz. I'll pose a question, and you, class, will answer loudly in unison in order to strengthen neurons and neural synapses in your brain
and override any whimsical inclination to use fresh language. Are we ready?
Yes.
In unison, please.
YES!
Well done! Time for the kickoff. Or the tipoff. Or the faceoff. Or the first pitch. What
do we say when an audience responds with loud applause to a political candidate's speech?
THE MESSAGE RESONATED WITH THE AUDIENCE!
When the audience responds with whistles, cheers, and a stamping of feet?
THE CANDIDATE THREW RED MEAT TO
THE AUDIENCE!
When the audience responds tepidly to a candidate's detailed attempt to explain his position?
THE SPEECH WAS NUANCED!
When the candidate is not a good speaker?
ORATORY IS NOT PART OF HIS SKILL-SET!
When political
candidates adjust campaign tactics?
THEY HIT THE RESET BUTTON!
When something unexpected or out of the ordinary occurs, like Sarah Palin and Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin appearing together on Saturday Night Live?
IT
WAS SURREAL!
When an intelligence agency does not provide a warning about a terrorist attack?
THERE WAS A FAILURE TO CONNECT THE DOTS!
When one nation or alliance applies economic sanctions to another?
THE PRESSURE WAS RATCHETED
UP!
When one nation or alliance warns or threatens another?
A RED LINE WAS DRAWN!
When there is an obvious problem that people shy away from talking about, such as the strength of the Israeli lobby in Washington?
THE ISRAELI
LOBBY WAS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
What do we call any generalization about behavior or attitude based on race, ethnicity, gender, class, or religion?
STEREOTYPING!
Or when done by law enforcement officers?
PROFILING!
What
do pundits do when they analyze a speech or essay?
THEY DECONSTRUCT IT!
What do we call a neighborhood that gets developed and upgraded?
GENTRIFIED!
What do we call people who think a lot about--or of--themselves?
NARCISSISTIC!
What do we call any event that does not end happily for all concerned?
A TRAGEDY!
What do we call any kind of warning or sign of a problem?
A RED FLAG!
But we don't actually speak of problems, do we? Rather, we speak of...
ISSUES!
And what do politicians and political parties attempt to do when they discuss an issue?
FRAME THE ISSUE!
What do people do when they seek to get information or assistance from each other?
THEY NETWORK!
And
when they do that online?
THEY USE A SOCIAL NETWORK!
What do we say when one faction in a negotiation is at a disadvantage?
THEY ARE HELD HOSTAGE!
What do all factions in a negotiation try to employ to have the negotiation turn
in their favor?
BARGAINING CHIPS!
What do we call an expected outcome or decision?
A SLAM DUNK!
Or?
A NO-BRAINER!
What does everyone except white, heterosexual, affluent males (whams, if you will) need and deserve?
EMPOWERMENT!
What do whams have that no one else does?
PRIVILEGE!
What is the most serious economic problem facing America?
INCOME INEQUALITY!
What is lacking on most college campuses?
DIVERSITY!
What must
new energy policies be based upon?
RENEWABILITY AND SUSTAINABILITY!
What do political or business leaders do when they develop a new interest or strategy?
THEY PIVOT!
What do we say when someone defers to a superior rather than
make a decision himself?
IT WAS ABOVE HIS PAY GRADE!
What word do we much prefer to "interchangeable" when something has interchangeable parts?
FUNGIBLE!
When bills fail to get through the Senate or the House, what is the
reason?
LEGISLATIVE GRIDLOCK!
Or?
CONGRESSIONAL DISFUNCTION!
When someone or some group does something without drawing much attention, we call it...
FLYING UNDER THE RADAR!
When someone takes a leadership role, he...
DOES THE HEAVY LIFTING!
When someone displays common sense or common decency he is...
WELL-GROUNDED!
When a Republican or Democrat acts in a predictable manner, he is...
FOLLOWING THE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRATIC PLAYBOOK!
On
what do we blame outcomes or situations that we don't like?
CULTURES!
The fact that there are more minorities than whites in state and federal prisons is due to...
A CULTURE OF RACISM!
Quick! I'll give you five seconds to
check your phones and find another reference to "cultures of."
NO PROB, PROF, I'VE ALREADY GOT "A CULTURE OF PARALYZING PALESTINIAN VICTIMHOOD!"
HEY, PROF, I'VE GOT "A CULTURE OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TEENAGE INMATES AT RIKER'S ISLAND!"
YO, PROF, I'VE GOT "A CULTURE WHERE WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT LOSING!"
Great job, class. Now, let's finish up. What word do we use to describe tense or otherwise emotional situations?
FRAUGHT!
What do we say when someone needs
to gain experience in order to succeed at a certain job?
THERE'S A LEARNING CURVE INVOLVED!
And when someone seems to be succeeding?
HE'S GAINING TRACTION!
And when someone understands something--how politics works, for example?
HE GETS POLITICS!
Excellent, class! You show such great promise. I anticipate splendid work from you--not, be it noted, in the future, but...
GOING FORWARD!
*****
La Loi C'est Moi
We Americans
love our democracy. We revere the concept of majority rule. We hold sacred the rule of law--laws that we agree with, that is. When it comes to regulations that we don't like, we seek to replace the rule of law with the rule of moi.
The Supreme Court has ruled that abortion is legal. Voters in Washington and Colorado have approved of the sale and use of marijuana. Appellate courts throughout the land have declared that gay marriage is legal. A majority of Americans
approve of the legalization of abortion, marijuana, and gay marriage. A majority in a number of states approve of capital punishment. That should be that. But that isn't that. A minority of disapproving Americans want to impose their
will and override, or at the very least weaken, laws approved by a majority.
Examples abound.
Business owners against abortion claim that providing comprehensive health plans which include birth control and abortion are a violation
of their religious freedom.
State legislatures propose stripping Medicaid funding from abortion providers who offer contraceptives.
State legislatures attempt to establish a law requiring physicians at abortion clinics to obtain admitting privileges
at a local hospital.
State legislatures attempt to require minors to view an ultrasound of their fetuses before having an abortion.
State legislatures attempt to require minors to get parental permission before having an abortion.
State
legislatures propose stripping Medicaid funding from abortion providers who offer contraceptives.
Business owners against homosexuality argue that a federal requirement that contractors doing business with the federal government cannot discriminate
against gays and lesbians is a violation of their religious freedom.
Local governments seek to block the establishment of legal marijuana businesses in their jurisdictions.
Local governments seek to ban legal marijuana cultivation in their jurisdictions.
A state Attorney General, concerned about the "moral hazard" of helping borrowers who are in over their heads, withholds more than $35 million in money allotted to his state by the National Mortgage Settlement.
Opponents of capital punishment
in states where capital punishment is legal, having previously argued for lethal injection as a more humane method of execution than hanging, electrocution, or firing squads, challenge a state's drug "cocktails," no matter what they might consist of, as well
as the provenance of the drugs, no matter where they might have come from.
The current President of the United States also seeks to impose through regulation what cannot be achieved through legislation, including the following: arbitrarily changing
dates and procedures for the enforcement of the Affordable Care Act; ordering government agencies not to enforce some of the immigration laws; creating an amnesty program for those brought to the U.S. illegally as children; requiring permits for industries
that spew greenhouse gases, a requirement not found in the Clean Air Act; seeking to eradicate the enticements of legal U.S. tax inversions/evasions for American companies moving their headquarters abroad; making appointments to the federal labor board without
Senate confirmation, claiming that the Senate was in recess (of course, the Senate, equally guilty, was at the same time imposing its will arbitrarily by claiming to meet every three days in meaningless pro forma session); engaging in unauthorized
warfare by conducting drone killings in many countries.
From executives to legislators to business owners to private citizens, each of us is certain that he knows what's best for everybody else: the law according to moi.