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"Liiive, from Hollywood, this is Dancing With The Chairs," declaimed host Tom Bergeron over the insinuating, make-your-hips-swing theme music of the Harold Wheeler orchestra, while graphics of wheelchairs spun, soared, exploded into dripping pieces, then evaporated into nothingness.
"As you know," chimed in co-host Samantha Harris, superbly coiffed as always, "our differently-abled contestants, all of whom are confined to wheelchairs, are paired with our show's professionals, who are required to perform in a wheelchair with their special partners. This is the ultimate challenge for our pros--to choreograph a dance, teach it to their advantaged-in-so-many-other-ways partners, then demonstrate their own proficiency at wheelchair terpsichore. Tom?
"Thanks, Samantha. Wow--terpsichory? Classical allusions? I am so impressed!"
"Well, it was on the cue card. Did I pronounce it right?"
"Close enough. I'll give you a 7."
"Thanks, Tom. Now let's welcome our first contestants."
"Okay, Samantha. Leading off are Juana Caper, a paraplegic with an infectious spirit, all smiles and elan, and her partner, Derek Hough."
Over the warm applause of the audience came the voice of an off-stage announcer: "Dancing the samba, Juana Caper and Derek Hough."
Suddenly, as the orchestra played the first few bars of "Caliente," Derek revved up his motorized chair, pulled a wheelie and burned rubber, tires chirping, then at full speed flew off the stage backdrop and landed smoothly on the dance floor. Meanwhile, Juana, her wheelchair in manual mode, Potemkin-like sambaed (and one-and-two, and one-and-two) down the stairs, coquettishly eyeing the rakish Derek, who wore an unbuttoned black vest without a shirt, his torso gleaming after a morning chest wax. Juana wore an orange, backless, fringed frock, very buckskin-like, her back a-twinkle with glitter spray. Derek's chair was festooned with trailing black and orange streamers; Juana's, with black and orange bunting draped over the arms. The wheeels on both chairs gleamed with custom-made spinning hubcaps.
The two brought their chairs together, Juana, in motorized mode now, performing a tight underarm turn in response to Derek's lead, then making three consecutive 360 spins at his direction. The two went into an open break, their arms extending as if throwing frisbees, and came back together for a lengthy upper body shimmy, Juana's fringes flouncing sassily, and the crowd burst out with cheers and whistles. Suddenly, Derek grabbed Juana's chair, spun her a quarter turn, and dropped her back until her marcelled black hair nearly touched the floor. He held the drop for a heart-stopping four seconds, then in one motion uprighted her and propelled her into a long glide, pursuing her, in manual mode, with a quick and elegant version of samba basic (and one-and-two, and one-and-two). Catching up with Juana, Derek gripped her chair, pulled her back until her head was almost in his lap, then 180ed her in a counter-clockwise motion, and they went into a long samba run, Juana backing up in manual mode, then Derek reversing the run and backing himself across the floor, Juana in tow. Next came a couple of push-pulls, a sinuous wrap-in and a slow circle turn together, followed by a triple underarm turn, another open break, and a mini-shimmy as they gathered themselves for their finale. Derek titlted his chair backward at a 45-degree angle, and Juana, motorized, ran hers into his and leaned forward. Derek, in a feat of strength belying his physical stature, flipped her into a backwards somersault, then completed one of his own, and both landed on their spinning wheels and sambaed together for a last dipping embrace. The crowd rose as one and rocked the room with applause and roars of approval. Juana and Derek celebrated with a triumphant kiss, then wheeled over to Tom to await the comments of the judges, dour Len Goodman, volatile Bruno Tonioli, and empathetic Carrie Ann Inaba.
"Great stuff, Juana and Derek," Tom shouted above the still roaring crowd. "Let's see if the judges agree. Len?"
"Well, Derek, it was great choreography, as usual, and Juana, your effort was good and you seemed poised and confident. But I wasn't impressed by Derek's flying off the stage or his flipping of the chairs. You didn't do enough basic steps," Len insisted, raising his voice as many in the crowd tried to drown him out with boos and Bruno raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Juana, your footwork was poor, you didn't always hold your frame, and both of you lost chair-to-chair contact at times. It really wasn't my cup of tea."
"Len doesn't care for American tea, apparently," Tom said. "What turned you off, Len? The Tazo organic chai you had at Starbuck's today? Are you homesick for your Earl Grey with a biscuit at elevenses? Now, let's hear from Carrie Ann."
"Derek and Juana, I love that you were centered, so connected emotionally, so grounded in each other. There was real chemistry between you. And those shimmies--so hot! I think they were fueled by the crotch area," she giggled.
"I get your drift, Carrie Ann," Tom said. "Derek does have the use of all of his limbs, if you know what I mean. Bruno?"
"Derek and Juana, forget about Len's comments about basics. You had plenty of the basics, believe me. I loved those wheel leads, and your flips were over the top! You were together like FDR and Lucy Mercer (if Lucy had been specially-abled enough to be in a wheelchair) or like Ironside and Eve Whitfield (if Eve had been fortunate enough to have transcended to the status of wheelchair operative)." Then, standing and clenching his upraised left fist, he pronounced, "This was a samba to remamba!"
"Okay, Bruno," Tom said. "Maybe one too many greenies before the show tonight? Or that triple espresso at Starbuck's while Len sat grousing over his chai tea? Derek and Juana, time to meet Samantha backstage and get your scores."
Derek and Juana rolled off stage left.
"Meanwhile," Tom said, "let's note that in our audience tonight are Patricia Heaton and Courtney Cox, who star in two new ABC comedies, The Middle and Cougar Town."
The camera cut to Heaton and Cox seated in the front row, Heaton remaking an acerbic, long-suffering Debra face into a frazzled, overwhelmed Frankie face, Cox morphing from obsessive Monica to lascivious Jules.
"You can see them both on Wednesdays on ABC," Tom said. "And now Juana and Derek are with Samantha Harris. Samantha?"
"Thanks, Tom," Samantha said, while the camera showed Derek with his arm around Juana. He seemed to be nibbling her earlobe. "Derek, Len said that your footwork was poor. Given the fact that you were in wheelchairs, how do you feel about that comment?"
"I really respect Len," Derek said. "It's something we'll have to work on. Next time maybe we'll play footsies," he added impishly. "But we hope that you viewers at home liked the flips and drops. Please call (he made his left hand into a phone and placed it at his ear) and vote for us."
"Juana," Samantha said, "how do you feel about the experience of working with Derek?"
"Oh, Derek is just so great. He's a great choreographer and a great teacher, and he makes everything so much fun." She giggled as Derek nuzzled her earlobe again. "We're so together that sometimes I think we're like Siamese chairs joined at the wheel axles."
"Well, you're certainly an empowering example for all the otherly-abled out there who 'Juana Caper.' And now let's find out what the judges have done about your scores."
As the camera cut to the panel of judges seated at their bench, the off-stage voice intoned, "The judges have their scores. Carrie Ann Inaba."
"9," said Carrie Ann, brandishing her paddle and smiling hugely, eyes shining.
"Len Goodman."
"7," said Len, sternly, as the crowd booed again.
"Bruno Tonioli."
"10!" shouted Bruno, hoisting his paddle in his right hand and punching the air with his left fist, igniting the crowd again.
"26 points," said Samantha. "Juana, are you happy with that? Think it'll be enough to bring you back next week?"
"Gosh, that's a pretty good score, but I'm just happy to be here having fun and setting an example from which an America that is sometimes handicapped by its lack of understanding of the concept of otherness can learn and grow. And may I say that I deeply appreciate what the makers of my wheelchair of choice--Pride Mobility, the titanium model--are doing for me and my differently-potentialed community."
"Wonderful thoughts, Juana," Samantha said, nodding in sympathy. "Tom?"
"Thanks, Samantha. Yes, Juana has grasped what the show is all about--sentimentality and crass commercialism served up with lots of exposed skin and earlobe nibbling. Our viewers--and you know who you are, Ecurb Snave--wouldn't have it any other way."
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