Welcome again to NPR, National Punning Radio. Here are headlines from stories we're following today:
Southern Californians worried about LAX security
Driver who slurred words charged with DUI and hate speech
Would-be buyer's tender offer melts CEO's heart
U.S. shoreline infrastructure crumbling due to pier pressure
In homage to late Rodney King, advocates for legalizing marijuana adopt new slogan: "Can't we all get along? Can't we all share a bong?"
Psychology
journal typo refers to "mentally il" (sic)
Pope admonishes Vatican physicians concerned about his vital signs, says apostolic over diabolic more important than systolic over diastolic
Apple offers to fund iRaq's reconstruction in exchange for naming rights
Huge snowstorm prompts cosmetology
school officials to offer makeup exams
Arch conservative decides to treat foot problems with orthotics instead of surgery
Mad Men execs so successful with clients that AMC sends out John Hamm and John Slattery to sell ads for the network
New Age therapist who preaches
medication through meditation can now be contacted at www.calm
Mayor Bloomberg to soda manufacturers: "Chill. I'm not calling New Porkers obese.
I'm just sayin' that their BMIs are way high, bro'. And I'm lifting all restrictions on soda consumption because I now realize that mass is caused by the Higgs boson"
Solidarity
of ship's crew attributed to work of Higgs, bo's'n
Discovery of hugs boson explains why so many American men now embrace instead of shaking hands
Historian says John Thoreau died unexpectedly from tetanus in arms of brother Henry David; readers wonder why author of Walden didn't succumb as well
Feds say census revision necessary because officials failed to account for undercounted overcounts, undercounted undercounts, overcounted overcounts, and overcounted undercounts
Virtual boredom: study shows kids now experiencing ennui on wii
Putting the peddle to the medal: Olympic athletes sometimes trade their awards for cash
Basketball analyst Jeff Van Gundy says "It's the NBA playoffs--let 'em play. The refs are making too many no-good calls and not enough good no-calls"
They've got mail: thousands of hapless message-checkers engulfed in spam maelstrom
Police adopt no-tolerance policy for carriers of STDs
who make public displays of infection
Classic 8-oz stubby Coke bottle named all-time pop icon
Rehab
group greets lapsed alcoholic with boos
Serial killer exercises his demons
Literary critics deem
work of writer on Prozac prosaic
Evolutionary biology in action: when the bar is set high, the fittest find a taller bar stool
Judges in bathing suit contest now sorry they voted for contestant with 40-inch hips--but, then, hindsight is always 20-20
Responding
to appeals for clemency in capital punishment case, AZ Governor Jan Brewer says "In keeping with the highest standards of decorum, the execution will be staid"
As patients with
colds and pneumonia clog their facilities, urgent care centers adopt congestion pricing
Remake of The 3 Stooges film prompts revival of nyuck-nyuck jokes
Phoenix Suns supporters nashing teeth as star guard, once considered the fanchise, signs with L.A. Lakers
Teenage
autodidact teaches self to drive
New block watch slogan on George Zimmerman's street: "Shootin' good in the neighborhood"
Teen previously derided by friends for being "all thumbs" wins speed-texting contest
Restuarant owner pooh-poohs patrons' concerns about cleanliness of
bathrooms
Author of My Life with Alzheimer's unable to find publisher
Afghan security
play Kabuled together
Yogi Berra says we shouldn't be amazed by rare events because they happen all the time
Researchers conduct double-blind study on sightlessness
New Western movie is feel-good story about a wrangler and his coworkers
Applicant's verbal SAT score is nothing to write home about
In Phoenix, excessive-heat warnings become excessive heat warnings
Citing right to privacy, Wikileaks refuses to reveal sources
Many seniors say they see no need for cataract
surgery
As calls go out to abolish the penny, numismatists experience that zincing feeling
Apprentice
finds it easy to job-shadow heavy equipment operator
Clerk swipes customer's credit card