For some time now, a 2 X 4 hasn't been a 2 X 4; rather, it's been more like 1 1/2 X 3 1/2, as lumber manufacturers have not only cut corners to save money but have gone to any widths to do so. Similarly, Quizno's has gone to new lengths
to make its shorter sub sandwiches, which consumers assume are six inches long, just five-and-one half, and they've amputated the big toes of their footlongs. And faced with a dwindling number of full rounds of golf played annually by amateurs who find
18 holes too time consuming, the U.S. Golf Association is now promoting 9-hole rounds as a way of keeping their customers in the game. Given our cultural predilection to save time and money, and given our national genetic inheritance of short attention
spans, soon
We'll be running 5-mile marathons and 10-mile ultramarathons
Cars will race in the Indy 250
The film version of the D-Day invasion will be condensed to The Longest Morning
On TCM we'll watch 15 Seconds
Over Tokyo
Senate filibusters will be limited to 15 minutes
We'll elect our President to a 2-year term, our senators to a 3-year term, and our representatives to a 1-year term
A TV series will consist of 2 episodes
We'll eat
Half-Minute Rice
We'll drink nano-instant coffee
Baseball's World Series will become a single-game playoff
We'll work out at 12 Hour Fitness
Governors will issue stays of execution at the 5th-and-a-half hour
We'll rock half-way
around the clock
We'll measure once and cut once
Folk wisdom will maintain that a half-stitch in time will save 4 1/2
We'll offer blokes a hay-penny for their thoughts
When we feel we have a sure thing, we'll go the whole 4 1/2
yards and bet 50 cents to a half-doughnut
When we're unable to meet expectations, we'll say we're a half-day late and 50 cents short
We'll pop in to an 3:30/5:30 convenience store
We'll work an honest 4-hour day and 20-hour week (oh, wait--that's
already happening so employers can avoid paying benefits)
When we're being health conscious we'll drink V-4 juice
Boxers will be ruled knocked out at the count of 5
Starbucks will offer us a 6 ounce tall drink
We'll settle for half
an enchilada and half a Monty
We'll consider a quarter of a loaf to be better than none
We'll figure we've come full circle after making a 180 degree turn
When we don't feel like trying, we'll go at things quarter-assed or quarter-heartedly
When we want to give grudging praise, we'll say something's not one-fourth bad
We'll fix our squeaks with 1 1/2-in-1 oil
Wrestlers will wear halfsies instead of onesies
When we're happy, we'll be on Cloud 4 1/2
When we
feel that the world is playing "Gotcha" with us, we'll attribute that to Catch 11
Daily papers will be published every other day
To acknowledge national losses, we'll put the flag at quarter-mast
We'll shop with 1 1/2-for-1 coupons
On Sunday nights we'll watch 30 Minutes
David Letterman will entertain us with his Top 5 lists
JFK conspiracy theorists will concede that there was just one gunman
Couples will celebrate their Golden Anniversary after 25 years
of marriage
Hotlines will operate 12 hours a day
We'll have 12-hour news cycles
A New York minute will be a New York 30 seconds
Twice-baked potatoes will be baked once and microwaved once
Monopoly players passing GO will
collect $100
The legal drinking age will be lowered to 18
The legal voting age will be lowered to 16
The legal driving age will be lowered to 14
We'll take One-Every-Other- Day vitamins
We'll offer congratulations with
a high 2 1/2
We'll tell slackers on the job to waste time on their own nickel
We'll bury the dead 3 feet under
Football teams will put in their 2 1/2-cent defense on obvious passing downs
NCAA freshman basketball players with
professional aspirations will be "half and done"
When we want an uncola, we'll ask for a 3 1/2-Up
We'll add 1/4 and 1/4 cream to our coffee
In emergencies, we'll dial 4 1/2-1
When we're traveling on a tight budget, we'll stay at
a Motel 3 or a Super 4
When we're dolled up, we'll be dressed to the 4 1/2s
Surfers will hang 5
Long-range weather forecasts will cover the next 3 1/2 days
24 will become 12
We'll waltz in 1 1/2-2 time
When we want to rest, we'll take 2 1/2
We'll shop at the Half-Dollar Store
Alcoholics Anonymous will offer a 6-step program
An average life span will be said to be 1 1/2 score and 5--now wait just a gosh-darn old-fashioned whole minute:
that's going entirely too far!
*****
Proposals in the Digital Age
Having left behind the analogue world with its trite trope of suitors taking a knee and proffering a ring to their beloveds, men seeking to unite
somewhat permanently with women (or with other men or Bis or TGs) and women seeking to unite somewhat permanently with men (or with other women or Bis or TGs) may soon, in a text composed at a traffic light or during a TV commercial, be popping the question
in digital diction something like this:
Will you share GPS coordinates with me
Will you update your status to reflect your relationship with me
Will you change your settings to mine
Will you be my only tweetheart
Will you
go on Safari with me
Will you share my wallpaper and my firewall
Will you boot up with me
Will you be my Helpmate
Will you be my Internet-Explorer companion
Will you complete me by becoming my add-on
Will you be my
most Favorite
Will you go to the front of my queue
Will you exchange passwords with me
Will you share my user ID
Will you change your default font to mine
Will you share my Dropbox
Will you make my Home Page yours
Will you hack into me
Will you download me
Will you share folders with me
Will you share metadata with me
Will you take an exclusive Pinterest in me
Will you belong only to Siri and me
Will you move into my control
center
Will you be my mouse in the house
Will you include me in your selfie
Will you change your template to mine
Will you share my home network
Will you create a page with me
Will you change your track to mine
Will you give me your Word
Will you put your head in the Cloud with mine
Will you be accessible only to me
Will you lock your rotation for me
Will you become my hashtag-mate
Will you share your file with me
Will
you link websites with me
Will you make me the main item on your Menu
Will you start-up with me
Will you allow me to be your cookie
Will you share my bandwidth
Will you make me number 1 on your speed dial
Will you
put me first on your playlist
Will you drag me but not drop me
Will you delete everyone but me
Will you promise never to unfriend me
Will you show immediate Electronic Device Insensitivity when I call, text, or email you
Will
you be my Wi-F-i hope
till death, or meth, or a more attractive interface do us part?
*****
To Bitcoin a Phrase
And surely many common expressions that American speakers of English have fallen
back on for years will evolve into the following as the Millennials and their offspring seek more digitally meaningful language:
Text if you get work
Text on!
That's all she texted
You messaged me on a false pretext
Don't
take something out of a con's text
I detext you
Let's unsubscribe from each other
Let's just be non-speed dial callers for now
Don't take things so alphanumerically
I think--therefore, I I-M
I got lucky--it just
fell into my laptop
LOL and the world LOLs with you
They're as alike as two peas in a podcast
I'll be with you in just a GIF
The check is in the fiber-optics
Let's touch screens with each other regularly
I don't know
why I called him--I was really Skyping the bottom of the barrel
A good techie never blames his toolbar
You shouldn't go at something just half-Glassed
He died with his reboots on
I blame it on the fickle finger of F8
Mr.
Zuckerberg, tear down that Wall!
There's no place like Chrome