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In a final speech to the Seattle City Council, outgoing Mayor Greg Nickels proclaimed Saturday's "Give Back to the Community Day" a rousing success and the highlight of his term in office.
"We showed the true Seattle spirit," he exclaimed. "The spirit of Chief Seattle, Henry Yesler, and Arthur Denny. The authenticity of our native American potlatch heritage, the leveling and leavening spirit of Skid Row, the can-doism of the Regrade Project.
"People from all areas of the community participated," Nickels said. "It was like wheels within wheels. Of course we had our usual sorts of volunteers--folks donating food and blankets to homeless shelters, lending a hand at hospitals and police departments, reading to the elderly and the shut-in, conducting clinics for youth sports programs, doing pro bono legal work for indigents, answering questions for befuddled travelers at Sea-Tac, picking up roadside litter, that sort of thing.
"But what made this day special was the participation of those who'd never given back before. They proved that Seattleites are eleemosynarily keen on helping out," he enthused in a paean to the Emerald City's whites, browns, blacks, and Greens. "For one glorious day,
Arsonists left fire extinguishers at the site of their blazes
Grocery shoppers, of their own volition, bought beer for minors lingering outside supermarkets
Hit men harvested the organs of their victims and delivered them, nicely iced, to hospitals
Drug dealers held free block (of cocaine) parties
Thieves sneaked stolen goods back into houses and stores
Prostitutes offered 2-for-1 coupons and generously stamped the loyalty cards they'd given to their favorite johns
Police used rubber batons instead of billy clubs and reduced the voltage on their Tasers
Cable companies refrained from raising their fees for the entire 24-hour period
The Seattle Public Library removed all books and shelves to make room for its many homeless patrons
KOMO TV ran a Corner Gas marathon, to the delight of certain discerning viewers
Not a single person acted on the "inspiration" to start writing a book called (Anything) for Dummies
Murderers, muggers, and molesters overcame the temptation to commit their crimes out of hate and committed them simply for revenge or material gain or the thrill of it or out of boredom or just for the hell of it, thereby causing many religious, racial, ethnic, and sexual orientation communities to feel better about the deaths and injuries that occurred
Gun-toting citizens attending town-hall meetings announced that they had brought just one round of ammo with them
The NFL offered closed-captioning for the unsold-out game it blacked out locally
Gas stations waived their fee for using a debit card and raised the price per gallon only three cents to cover it
Proctologists brought in, for only a modest extra charge, slender-fingered interns to conduct their digital exams
Young restaurant waitresses did not offend their senior citizen customers by calling them "Hon" or "Sweetie"
No reporter or commentator gagged readers or viewers by saying "empower," "take ownership," or "had a chilling effect" in any media offering
Tweeters used no LOLs, OMGs, or opticons, trusting their readers' ability to figure out the tone of their Tweets by themselves
KING meteorologist Jeff Renner put weather watchers at ease by admitting that not even a professional semanticist could tell the difference between the phrases "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny" and confessed that "chance of showers" should be replaced by the single word "gloom"
JiffyLube attendants made only a half-hearted attempt to sell their customers unneeded air, fuel, or AC filters or changes of transmission or differential fluid
Environmentalists conceded that saving wetlands in Seattle was akin to bringing coals to Newcastle (but insisted on adding that doing anything at all with coal is evil)
Type A chronic freeway speeders and timid senior citizen slowpokes met somewhere in the middle, producing a smooth flow of traffic and saving both lives and gas
Pike Place Market fishmongers blessed the carcass of each sockeye salmon in the name of PETA before they flung it and filleted it
The King County Jail gave all prisoners convicted of possessing or selling drugs a 24-hour furlough, thereby reducing its expenses for the day by 50%
Auto dealers offered a special program called "Clash of Clunkers," giving each buyer a free ticket to a demolition derby for any trade-in they accepted
Many people ate locally, opting for the McDonalds at their neighborhood strip mall
A few ate locally by collecting nettles from vacant lots and serving them, boiled, in place of Swiss chard or beet greens or spinach
Some also gathered dandelion greens from lawns and parking strips, and nasturtiums from flower beds and pots, and made a salad of them
The homeplate umpire at Safeco Field expanded his strike zone when the Mariners were on defense
Beloved Mariner announcer Dave Niehaus did not once say "Swung on and belted!" in regard to fly balls that were caught 25 feet in front of the outfield wall
And Seattle Public School teachers, grading papers at home, gave no grade lower than C+, in accordance with the District's newly-adopted Lake Woebegon educational philosophy that all children are above average.
"Indeed, all children are above average," Nickels concluded, "and so are all Seattleites. Mayoring them has been the most important thing in my life. I love Seattle's compassion, generosity, and weather--may they rain forever."
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