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I know better. I'm liberally educated with a lifelong interest in language. I know the difference between prescriptive, proscriptive, and descriptive linguistics. I know that there are several varieties of English, each with its own grammar (that is, syntax, morphology, phonology, and lexicon), none of which is in itself superior to the others. I try not to judge people by their grammar. I know that "ain't" can be just as "correct" as "isn't," and I couldn't care less if people say they could care less.
Still, open-minded though I try to be, I must admit to an abundance of linguistic prejudices. All too often, I judge people not on what they have to say but how they say it. I'm apt to fawn over speakers like Colin Firth, speakers of what may be called "The King's Speech" or "BBC English." I appreciate their use of polite rhetorical questions to soften a judgment or make a point less directly or gently coax an agreement or apologize for intruding: "That's very nice, isn't it?" or "I couldn't very well say no, now, could I?" or "Do you want a receipt at all?" (with "at all" charmingly pronounced "a tall," as if informing a Starbucks barista what size coffee drink they wished to order). Their use of hyperbole (exaggeration) to accent the positive makes them sound sublimely intelligent, keenly aware, terribly knowledgeable, veddy suave, now, doesn't it? Or (and sadly) "Really cool," an American might tweet. On the other hand, when dealing with the awful or the disastrous they awe me with their stoic sang froid . Their many syncopes (omission of sounds from the middle of words) seem wonderfully streamlined and efficient: "you-nuh-verse-tee" for "you-nuh-verse-uh-tee" ("university"), "dest-knee" for "dest-uh-knee" ("destiny"). They way they often accent syllables differently from us in the colonies seems wonderfully smart: "LAB-ruh-tree" for "la-BOR-uh-tore-ee" ("laboratory"), "con-TRO-verse-ee" for "CON-tro-verse-ee" ("controversy"). I'm charmed by the way they drop the "r" sound at the ends of words: "figguh" for "figure," "rigguh" for "rigor." Even as they're smoothly eliding the "r" in "colour," you can almost hear them slyly slipping the "o" sound in. "Filthy, huh?" an American might tweet, tossing in an
"LOL" for good measure. Their frequent use of exotic words like "frison" gives me goose bumps. When they deal with the unpleasant, I positively warm to their stiff-upper-lip preference of litotes (understatement) to hyperbole: "Spot of bad luck there, getting that bothersome brain cancer," "Rather a problem, that grenade going off in my hand," "A bloody bore, that heart surgery I'm to have a fornight hence." In contrast, one imagines the BBCer's Facebook friend emoticonning in reply: "OMG, that sucks big time!!!" Similarly, I enjoy they way they maintain their aplomb through the use of synechdoche (a part for the whole): "The value of my stock portfolio has dropped L100,000 in the past week; perhaps I should have a word with my broker."
But inexcusably salaaming to speakers of BBC English is certainly not my only linguistic prejudice. If you're speaking American, not British, English, and display a drawl or a twang--say "bay-ud" for "bed" or "way-ull" for "well"--I will have to make an effort to suppress my impulse to think you slow-witted or uneducated. If you "pahk" your "cah" like a Bostonian or a New Yorker, I've got you typed as being blunt and aggressive. And if your pronunciation is "standard" American, I'm going to consider you affected, snobbish, altogether too hoity-toity if you say:
"ahnt" instead of "ant" for "aunt"
"eye-thur" or "nigh-thur" instead of "ee-thur" or "knee-thur" for "either" or "neither"
"jag-you-are" instead of "jag-warr" for "jaguar"
"die-uh-per" instead of die-per" for "diaper"
"soff-uh-more" instead of "soff-more" for "sophomore"
"Feb-rue-airy" instead of "Feb-you-airy" for "February"
"Wed-nuhs-day" instead of "Wenz-day" for "Wednesday"
"knee-youse" instead of "nooz" for "news"
"knee-you-see-yoot" instead of "noo-sooht" for "new suit"
"row-day-oh" instead of "row-dee-oh" for "rodeo"
"sear-up" instead of "sir-up" for "syrup"
"puh-jahm-uz" instead of "puh-jam-uz" for "pajamas"
On the other hand, I'm going to think you either ignorant or indiscriminating or glotally challenged if you say:
"vuh-ner-uh-bull" instead of "vul-ner-uh-bull" for "vulnerable"
"ree-luh-ter" instead of "ree-uhl-ter" for "realtor"
"new-cue-ler" instead of "new-clee-ur" for "nuclear"
"pre-vent-ive" instead of "pre-vent-uh-tive" for "preventative"
"put deez over dare" instead of "put these over there" for "put these over there"
"uh-coot-uhr-munts" instead of "uh-coo-truh-munts" for "accoutrements"
"rep-er-tore-ee" instead of "rep-uh-twa" for "repertoire"
"kai-oat" instead of "kai-oh-tee" for "coyote"
"cross-ahnt" instead of "kwass-ahnt" for "croissant"
And when it comes to syntax, I'll think you ignorant if you say:
"I got me a new car" instead of "I got a new car"
"He should have went up with the shot" instead of "He should have gone up with the shot."
Why all these judgments? No valid reason--I'm just prejudiced.
In regard to vocabulary, I don't like hearing or reading the following expressions:
I can't wrap my head around it
It's a flawed policy
Don't go there
He's grounded
He's centered
That's empowering
That's a game-changer
It went viral
You need a better business model
His analysis was spot-on
It resonated with me
He can compartmentalize
He needs to establish the brand
That's an iconic image
It's hard-wired in humans
He should listen to his body
He's comfortable in his own skin
It was a perfect storm
In a perfect world, that wouldn't happen
My opponent has hijacked my agenda
What's the take-away from this presentation?
These expressions convey a meaning clearly and are readily understood by most Americans. Too readily understood. They're rather dull, old chap. Enervating, wouldn't you say? Would you mind awfully dispensing with them? I simply don't want to see them any more. But then I think the same of men wearing ponytails, bolo ties, 10-gallon hats, cowboy boots, or earrings; of women with nose-rings, eyebrow rings, or tongue studs; and of men and women with multiple tatoos. Go figguh.
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