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Hi--and welcome to Breakfasts R Us. Coffee, Hon?
Don't call me that.
Sorry, Dear.
How is that any better? Look, I'm an old guy and you're a 20-something. Don't you dare patronize me with those phony terms of endearment. What ever happened to "Sir" and "Ma'am"?
Sorry, Sir. Are you ready to order?
Yes, I'll have the number 2 but with Egg Beaters, make the toast unbuttered wheat, and substitute a fresh fruit plate for the greasy hashbrowns.
De--Sir, you can get this a dollar cheaper if you order off the senior menu on the back page.
What! That's flat-out discrimination! Why should I pay less just because I'm old? I'll pay my way like any grown-up, thank you.
But, Sir, we're just trying to give you a break. Like maybe it's for all you've done for your country.
I don't deserve a break. What did I do for my country? I just lived, like most everybody else. Worked, played, raised a family, paid my taxes. Wasn't even in the military. A price break is an insult. Show me some respect. I actually have more money and assets now than I did during most of my working years. I've got $20,000 in my checking account alone--here, take a look.
Ho--Sir, I don't want to see your checking account ledger. I'm just trying to save you a buck.
Well, I don't need it.
Okay, then. You know it's all good, Sir. And the more you pay, the higher my tip, right? {Winks}
Now you bring up another problem. I don't believe that customers should tip waitpersons directly. I think all menu prices should include a 15 percent tip--no, let's make that 18 percent because you're young, you deserve a break--so customers know exactly what they're to pay and don't have to agonize over what the service was worth. I don't want to give you more--or less--just because you called me "Hon." At the end of your shift, the manager should total your receipts, give you 18 percent of that in cash, and report the figure to the IRS. If by chance you serve me poorly--bring me real eggs or white instead of wheat or don't offer me a second cup of coffee until I beg for it--I'll complain to you or your manager or I just won't come back. But I won't stiff you on the tip.
Hm. I don't know about reporting everything to the IRS, but I like that part about a guaranteed 18 percent. Shall I call in your order now? And how about I bring you a little sugarless jam for your wheat toast?
Yes, please.
And a cup of coffee?
Yes, please.
You know, you show a couple of cute dimples when you smile like that.
Yeah, right. I'm surprised you can even see them for all the wrinkles on my face.
What wrinkles? Character lines, you mean?
Yeah, right.
{Waitress calls order in. Brings coffee pot, pours cup}
Here you are, Sir. Mmm. Smells good.
Not really. I prefer Starbucks.
You do? You know, we have a new flavored coffee--vanilla hazelnut. Let me bring you a sample cup--no charge.
Well...okay.
{Waitress leaves. Returns with alacrity and a steaming cup}
Hope you like this. I'll go get your order right now.
Okay. {Sips the brew}
Here we go! {Waitress swoops in, deftly sets down eggs, toast, and a plate holding strawberries, grapes, and chunks of watermelon,honeydew, and cantaloupe.} You know, you're really smart to eat so healthy. Wish I had the discipline to do that.
Yeah, well, I try. I do what I can to stay fit.
And it really shows, Sir. You look great! And how's that coffee?
Funny thing, I thought it would be kind of wimpy, kind of frou-frou, but, hey, it's really not so bad.
Wonderful! Enjoy now! {Buzzes off to clear a table and take an order}
Mmm. {Munches. Sips. Smiles. Dabs sugarless jam on toast.}
Hi! Here I am again. Anything I can get you?
No, this is fine. I'm quite satisfied.
Well, here's a refill on that coffee, and you enjoy the rest of your day now. {Places check on table} It was a pleasure to serve you. {Hurries off to another customer}
Hey, what's this? {Looks at check: "Senior menu--$5.59." Spots words scribbled at bottom: "Thanks, Hon." Notes smiley face drawn below. Beams. Leaves five-dollars on table and heads for checkstand to pay bill}
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