'Roid Raid?--In keeping withthe Phoenix Police Department's substance abuse policy of zero tolerance, a Phoenix police officer was fired recently after testing positive for steroids.  I can understand zero tolerance for the use of hard, addictive drugs.  But steroids?  I say go ahead and shoot up, guys, and then head for the gym to get ripped.

Mark McGwire and thousands of other athletes used steroids to succeed in their sport.  This was wrong not because steroids are illegal but because their non-using competitors, justifiably concerned about adverse side effects, were placed at a disadvantage.  Sports, we want to believe, are all about fair competition, and therefore steroids should be banned and users punished.

But who is placed at a disadvantage if a cop uses steroids?  Only the bad guys.  Police work is difficult and dangerous; the bigger and stronger the cop, the safer he and all of us good guys are.  The risks of so-called 'roid rage are minimal (no one offered the 'roid defense in the beating of Rodney King, for example).  But the rewards of 'roid usage are maximal.  If a cop is willing to risk acne, blocked arteries, male breast enhancement, and shrinking of the testicles in order to make himself a stronger public defender, we should be grateful.  That's not self-serving, that's self-sacrifice.

Truth in Labelling--Washington state legislator Rosa Franklin says that labels like "disadvantaged" and "at risk" applied to poor children are negative and hurt their chances for success.  She believes that state law should call such kids "at hope."  Is this just a case of half-full/half-empty?  Not in my opinion.  As much as possible, in writing state law and policy, legislators should try not to use terms with either a pejorative or an ameliorative connotation and strive instead for neutrality and objectivity.  For one to say, "I'm a disadvantaged child" is self-pitying.  To say, "I'm an at-risk child" takes away individual responsibility.  "I'm an at-hope child" is sentimental and cloying.  But "I'm a low-income child" is objective (there are federal standards for making such a determination), factual.  Most of us acknowledge that a family's lack of a certain amount of money makes it more difficult for a child to achieve personal, social, and professional success.  Whe we hear of low-income children we naturally think we should bolster their income or look for other ways to improve their opportunities.  Using that phrase allows us all, recipients and benefactors alike, to retain our dignity.

Yogi, As Usual, Was Right--The Phoenix Suns are beating themselves up because of their penchant for "blowing" big leads.  Fast starters, the Suns have several times been ahead by 15-20 points in the first half, only to see that lead disappear in the second half.  There is an assumption among Suns players (and among sports teams in general) that any loss after holding a big lead is their own fault.  And certainly a team's fans share that assumption.  Once well ahead, they believe, a team should never lose.  But is that assumption valid?

To begin with, in most cases, one team is not, game in and game out, 20 points better than another.  A team that forges a 20-point lead has a pocket full of fool's gold.  Its plays happen to be clicking, it is shooting well, it hasn't been vitimized by bad calls, and the other team is temporarily off its game.  But it's only natural, it's only normal, that the other team will make offensive and defensive adjustments, substitute fresh players, and
start hitting more shots while the team in the lead begins to turn the ball over and miss more shots than it makes.  The trailing team makes a run and soon the game is close again.  This is as it should be most of the time.  Except for serious mis-matches, one team should not run away and hide from another.  The statistical law of regression to the mean comes into play.  Given enough time (48 NBA minutes, say), the teams will regress or progress to the mean and the better team will win regardless of big first-half leads.  The Suns should kick themselves not for blowing big leads but for being a mediocre basketball team. 

(Related note: Excerpts from a Seattle P-I report on the recent UW-UCLA game which UCLA won on  last-second 19-foot jump shot: "The Huskies have no one to blame but themselves.  Their offense was dismal for the entire second half....Washington was an efficient 6-for-12 from behind the 3-point line in the first half.  But that turned in to a 1-for-7 effort in the second half."  How about crediting the UCLA defense for playing harder and smarter in the second half?  How about acknowledging that going 6-for-12 on 3-pointers is way over the Huskies' average and that going 1-for-7 in the second half was merely a to-be-expected regression to the mean?)

Why Didn't Paul Krugman Think Of This?--Several European countries--Switzerland, Germany, France, Austria, the Nordics--peg speeding fines to income as a way to punish wealthy scofflaws who would other wise be undeterred by the usual fines.  In Germany, the maximum fine can, theoretically, be $16 million.  In Switzerland, a millionaire Ferrari driver was actually slapped with a $290,000 ticket.  What a great idea!  In this country we have progressive (income) and regressive (sales) taxes.  Let's make our fines progressive in order to discourage speeding and build up our coffers.  And how about expanding on the notion?  Rich, white-collar criminals, who have more time to lose ( and time is money, after all), should get longer sentences.  Poor criminals should get shorter sentences (why reward them with years of free board and room?) as a deterrent.  Going a little further, for the sake of social and economic justice, the sales tax, notorious in its regressivity. should be placed on a sliding scale as well.  States should issue picture ID cards for five classes of wealth based on IRS returns: those below the low-income figure pay 1% in sales tax (can't give anyone a totally free pass); low-income to $100,000 pay 10%; $100,000-150,00 pay 25%; $150,000-250,000 pay 40%; $250,000-Bill Gates pay 75%.  All customers would be required to show their ID cards at the checkstand.  That's only fair, eh Paul?

Showing Off--The national football champion University of Alabama, seeking that one place in Tuscaloosa where its championship trophy would be seen by the most people, chose to display it at a Walmart store.  Suspending our disbelief for a moment and imagining the University of Washington football team someday needing to find a place to show off its championship hardware, I suggest the following for a region of coffee drinkers, outdoor lovers, and can commuters: atop a coffee urn at the University Village Starbucks, fastened to the rock-climbing wall at the downtown REI, or in a shrine placed at the entrance to the 520 bridge.

A Close Family--Chattanooga investigators related recently that a four-year-old boy was found roaming his neighborhood at night, drinking beer and wearing a girl's dress stolen from a neighbor.  The child's mother said that the boy "wanted to go to jail, because that's where his daddy is."

The First Sentence In This Paragraph Actually Happened--A man who appeared to be drunk walked into a Taco Bell and handed a clerk $72 for just one taco.  The grateful clerk gave the man a 2-for-1 coupon to use on his next purchase.  Two days later, the man staggered into the restaurant, ordered one taco, and handed the clerk the coupon and $144.

Y Not?--New research indicates that the Y chromosome of the human male is evolving far faster than the rest of the human genetic code.  Women, of course, have concluded that males, lagging behind those humans not weighted with the burden of the Y chromosome, are desperately trying to play catch-up.  But I think that there is a deeper reason.  Observations of the motion of heavenly bodies have led astro-physicists to infer the existence of something they call dark matter.  I think that males, with those rapidly evolving Ys, are on their way to developing a sixth sense that will enable them to "see" the dark matter, thus proving its existence.  It should be only a matter of a few million years more.