Both pushing shopping carts, Yogi Berra and Mrs. Malaprop turn an aisle's corner from opposite directions and clang into each
other in the dairy section of Holy Foods.
Well, well, Mrs. M., as Sir Francis Drake's crew back in the Age of Discurvy used to say, long time no C. Tip of the morning to you.
Oh, Mr. B, hallow to you, likewise. How are you?
Never bitter. And isn't the weather today
warm and gorgeous? I slipped on my shorts this morning.
Good heavens! I hope you weren't hurt?
No, no, not at all.
Do you come here often?
Every two weeks--or once a forknight, as the British say.
Don't you just love it here? This store is a little bit unique. For me a trip to Holy Foods is also like a voyage of discovery, too, a trip down the Roman
Happening Way that brings me to a cultural neck cyst where all manner of foodies meet, epikoreans and Norvegans and Chilians and Swedetooths and Hollandaisians and Oysteralians and dilletantes and organicists and farm-to-tableites and Luddites and body-builders
and prepared foods picker-uppers. It's like I've been on a row to Damascus and seen the light.
I agree! The Vatican may have its Sixteen Chapels, but here we
have a market where food is the art. There are so many agoracultural themes woven into this Holy Foods tapestry.
So true! I love their tapas--and their pastry.
And their pasta, if you don't mind my making one of those angiograms.
Not at all! Some people find
them vile, but I live for them. Not like a rube using Uber but as a knowledgeable sherpa or shaper is how I see Holy Foods because of their leadership. You know, every magazine and newspaper you pick up these days is filled with cursery stories
in high dungeon about how bad our diet is and how bad our food is. Holy Foods is the anecdote to all those bad stories. Coming here is like coming to alimentary school.
I'll
say! I couldn't concurse more. I love the direction in which this store is taking us in. They've really chartered a new course. It's 360 degrees different from your hum and drum stores that are a little bit ubiquitous like Safeway
and Albertsons. The monotony of those places gets old. I don't mean to bare any dirty laundry, but most of those chained grocery stores don't really care what we eat, they just want to make money off of us. Holy Foods is like moral enemies with
them. Holy Foods is all about righteousness. It really cares about us and about the world. I love that it's like our knight in shining amour.
Yes, like this
dairy case right here. Look at the 10 different brands of Greek yogurt, which is so high in protein. That's healthy for us, and when we buy it we're helping the Greek economy get back on its feet, too. They've got nutty flavored milk like
almond, coconut, and hazelnut, not to mention soy, rice, and flax and its flaxsimiles, and they've got, well, artesianal I guess you'd call it, goat's milk--not just Nubian, Alpine, and Saanan, which you'd naturally expect, but many others too.
I preference the La Mancha, myself, especially when I'm in a mood to tilt over some windmills. But I keep Pygmy on hand, too, for when I want just a small glass.
And what about their meat and fish department? No factory-farmed flesh, fish or fowl for them. They're just so ethnical. They want us to eat the way God Nintendoed it. Their
beef is grass-fed, never treated with hormones or antipsychotics. Their chickens run free, their lambs gambol ungyved, and their pigs are humanely raised and lovingly slaughtered. No cruel lucre is in the offing for this store. Holy
Foods belongs to a global animal partnership. They use a 5-step Welfare Rating that details how the animals were raised. Their salmon and cod are line-caught, not dragged in by those guilt nets. Their oysters are responsibly farmed. Their
sea bass and tuna are certified stainable. Holy Foods wants to preserve the environment. They study and practice the science of foodology and the art of foodicity. They even have a book section stocked not just with cookbooks but also
philosophical tombs that teach us how to be upright consumers, like Conscious Capitalism, The Food Revolution, and Food Rules.
For sure, the
really smart people shop here. Wasn't it Brilliant Savant who said "Tell me who you are and I'll tell you what you eat"?
I think so. I know he was the brainchild
of a French culinary style.
You got that right. Now, I've been a logical, calculating, rational person all my life. It works for me, and I'm too superstitious
to change. If it ain't broke, don't nix it. But I have to admit I get impressioned about their produce offerings, which, like a simulcast, are both out of this world and very much in this world. Talk about local, they've got a 20,000
square-foot greenhouse up on the roof producing organic herbs, salad greens, and tomatoes year-round. Their fresh herb selection is a tarragon of virtue. And they bring in stuff from local farms as much as possible. I believe we can
have no more intimate relationship with our environment than to eat from it.
Oh, Yogi, that's so spiritual!
Did you notice the gigantic strawberries, perfectly posed and bulging out of their tiny boxes? Those berries got some serious swagger to them. And the fresh-picked asparagus spears standing erect, their butts in water? Those
things are just gorgeous! But Holy Foods is also into the Ugly Food Movement, displaying and giving equal respect to knobby carrots, curvy cucumbers, pear-shaped oranges, orange-shaped pears, and tomatoes that look like Afghani hats but taste
terrific. They're so democratic here. They've got rainbow chard, signalfying the acceptance and tolerance that you'll always find at Holy Foods. Think of all the sprouts they have--not just alfalfa but also Daikon, clover, and radish. It's
just mind-bungling. In what other store would such minorities be welcomed? Talk about affirmative action--they have not just white cauliflower but also orange, although I must say cruciform vegetables of any color have always been kind of my cross
to bear. Their collard greens attract both white-collared and blue-collared shoppers. Their portobello, oyster, and shiitake mushrooms represent all corners of the globe. Their Kashmir spinach, so soft and furry, gives a nod to Hinduism.
From the desert there's aloe vera, which is really succulent. Their Incan berries honor the pre-Columbians. And where else can you get wheat grass, which some people doubt the benefits of, but I say 'Sod off,' skeptics, 'cause that stuff
is energizing.
I so agree! You know what else I really like? I hope this isn't racist, but I like their little signs that tell you which foods are afrodisiacs.
It's not rocket surgery, but everything is so well-researched here. They inform us that avocados , asparagus, arugula, celery, lavender, licorice, almonds, garlic, nutmeg, and fennel either by their shape or scent or the palamino acids they contain really
stimulate the old eastergen or testoasterone. Wasn't it Captain Andrew Marvel who first pointed out how "our vegetable love will grow"?
Shazaam! You hit
that on the nail!
Anyway, my love of vegetables now overhelms me. Vegetables of any shade bring cool green thoughts to my mind, but I also love their huge selection
of premium body care products. They offer so much healthy stuff that's good for my lady's maladies. I can't see making doo with the limited cologne cleansers and probioptic and fiber-optic inventory they have at Safeway when Holy Foods offers a
veritable plethauras of fiberlicious products. They've got all these wonderful designer grains like quinoa, groats, couscous--
No need to repeat yourself, Mrs.
M., I'm not hard of hearing--
amaranth, buckwheat, teff, spelt, kamuti, millet and sorghum, although I don't know why they call it sorghum because it really doesn't
hurt my mouth at all. Did you know that teff has 50% more protein, five times more fiber, and 25 times more calcium than brown rice? It's pretty slick stuff.
Is that
where we get teflon from!
I believe so. But one thing I know for sure is that--and I'm not going to be mealy-mouthed about it-- this is the place to look for the Holy Gruel.
So true. They really take care of the whole body here. They've got stuff for your brain and your mood. Stuff to stimulate your adrenaline. Stuff
for bone health, joint health, immune system support. They feature products like bilberry extract that contain healthful antiintoxicants. And they've got Turmericalive juice, which is patriotic and gives your body what it needs to burn clean and
strong. Turmeric, which you can also get in lotions and soaps, has many healthy proprieties: it fights colds, it's better than Noxema for eczema, and Dr. Oz recommends it for elevating your depression.
Plus they have five different brands of Reservatrol so we don't get heart attacks. They don't stock any of those genetically mortified foods. Everything is organic, oh natch your-ell, as the French say. They don't
adultery their honey with corn syrup, like some stores do; they don't cut their pure blueberry or cranberry juice with cheap apple juice. They don't use parracides. No preservatives or additives. They don't sell anything that was grown in sludge
or biosolids. Everything comes out of homeopathic soils, because they want to maintain a clean, healthy environment. They post a sign on every aisle telling you how many of the items are organic or local. Like Aisle 8 over there--742 organics,
41 locals. Such virtuosity. Just reading that sign makes you feel kind of purified. And their detergents, dishwasher soaps, laundry soaps, and bathroom cleansers are also natural, organic, and safe. They even sell recycled paper towels,
tissues, and napkins. They care about the infants, too. They've got organic baby food, so you can get the wee ones eating right right from the start, and chlorine-free diapers to keep their little buns from burning. I read about a study that
shows that babies born to mothers who eat a diverse and varied diet while breast feeding, although I think that might be hard to do because their hands are already pretty full, are more open to a wide range of flavors. Taste preferences that develop
at crucial periods in infancy have lasting effects for life.
Yes, it's great to see a number of women with babies in rebuses here, but isn't there a danger that a diverse
diet might lead to diverticulitis?
Well, apparently it's worth the risk. Another thing that's nothing to sneeze at is they achoo the junk food here and offer healthy
snacks like roasted carrot guacamole, rice cakes, sweet potato chips, pickled chard stems, and sweet fennel-stalk chips. When I have guests for drinks, they rave about the pickled chard stems! Speaking of drinks, they offer a marvelous selection
of beers: hundreds of ales, porters, pilseners, lagers, and wheats from all over the world in all sizes of bottles. They're really thinking outside the bocks. They've even got a growler filling station for the DUIers. And of course they feature
eco-friendly wine made with organic grapes.
They also give you a discount if you shun paper or plastic and bring your own reusable cloth grocery bags.
I like that a lot. I really believe in the big bag theory.
Me, too. And I'm pleased that so many of
their baked goods are glutton-free, so we can't overeat. I always say that density is destiny.
You can't control your own destiny. If you could, it wouldn't be destiny.
But you can control your own density.
Is that sort of like why is there something rather than nothing? Because nothing, by definition, cannot be? Or why you can't
be partially fulfilled? Anyway, I'm into body building, so I appreciate their great lineup of protein powders. They've got whey, soy, pea, egg white, and rice in delicious flavors like cherries jubilee and cookies and cream, which makes
my smoothies so detectable. They've got creatine and L-carnatine, too. When I take those supplicants it's like I've got a new leash on life.
Why, Mrs. M., I thought
you were looking ripped and buff. Shredded, even. You really work at it. You weightlifters don't rest on your laurels. You're hardy people. But I know you prefer to fly under the limelight.
True, I do. But I want to say that originality is really the name of the game here. I see sea changes every time I come in. And they've only begun to tip the iceberg. They're into regional
Brazilian cuisine, like rainforest insects and Amazonian fish. They're always bringing in new flavors and textures. I tell you, when people try the honey-lavender ice cream, it goes down so easily that they swallow any complaint they may
have about dysphagia.
Well, their deli section is certainly great. Sometimes I'm in the mood for a soupcon of soup. For me, their tom kha gai certainly passes the
acrid test, and I swear their pea is as thick as fog. When it's freezing outside and I lean into a bowl of their curried carrot soup, I feel as smug as a bug in a rug. They've got wholesome stuff like tofurkey tetrazini and tofu salad, and they
make a dainty knish that you could set before a king. In fact, it's about lunchtime right now. I believe it was Dr. Johnson, the great lexicollagenist, who said that a man who will not mind his stomach will mind very little else. I always
mind mine. Can I buy you a sandwich? Shall we order a la Descartes? I think I'm hungry-- therefore I am! I love their roast beef with carmelized onions and arugula on marble rye.
And I'm fond of their chopped olive spread bound with oil and vinegar atop roasted eggplant and red and yellow peppers on organic Old World muesli bread.
But,
Mrs. M., as good as everything is here, I think we have to say it, don't we? There's an elephant in the china shop room. I mean, just do the math.
Yes. I'll
admit it can be very pricy to shop at Holy Foods. I'm not one of those Holy cost deniers.
Sometimes the customers get the short end of the stick, which
really stinks in my craw.
Yeah, it's like rubbing assault in a wound.
But you know what
they say--you pay for what you get.
That's a good thumb rule to go by.
Personally, I think
of the prices here as just another propriety tax, because when I buy organics I'm doing the right thing.
Some economists say there's a danger that upscale stores like Holy Foods
may gentrifry the neighborhood, pricing out the commune man. The increasing economic inequality in America today can appall a Paul Krugman, really get his dandruff up. If Congress ever holds a conference on the minimum wage, I'm sure he'd be glad
to throw out the first bitch. That's why it's so wonderful to see all the workers here with smiles on their faces. I suspect Holy Foods pays their people pretty well, more like Costco and less like Walmart. For the big chained food store
execs, a new wage for a new age bothers 'em some. Unlike liberal dismal science scions who want to level the preying field, they just think a tax attacks economic growth.
Myself,
I always look for the silver mining. I'm going to go out on a limn and describe the shoppers at Holy Foods as impassionate people who care with intensitivity about eating rightly. Can I speak for all the inconspicuous consumers here? I think
so, but I admit it's kind of a mute point.
Well, Mrs. M., it's time to move along. Let's get those sandwiches, and then I'm going home to meditate. Just being
in the midst of this beautiful sanctimony has inspired me to become a better person. I'm going to bemuse on some of the famous things I've said over the years and try to find my center.
Shouldn't be too much of a problem, Mr. B. It's as plain as the nose on your face.