Not saying that Ecurb Snave isn't a stickler for observing all of golf's sacred rules, just saying that, if it could speak, here's what the online program that Ecurb relies on to
figure his handicap would like to say when he reports his scores:
U can't b Sirious!
In what universe?
Lmao
Improve your lie
Por
favor, Senor
Recalculate?
Check your Settings
Undo?
Refresh?
Cancel?
Place in SPAM folder?
Edit?
Don't Save?
Search (4 the strokes u failed to count)
> ?
"---ish"?
Forgot your real I.D.?
Google "mulligan"
Gimme a break
Come down to Google Earth
Your RSQ club can't be that good
I'm about 2 URL
Forward to The Onion?
Verification needed
U need "Help"
& u yelled 4 how many times?
2GTBT
XQs me?
Does not compute
Byte me
*****
I can understand
the use of crutch phrases in spontaneous conversation. Few of us can be original phrase-makers when speaking off the cuff, on the spur of the moment, at the drop of a hat, when we're put on the spot. But when we write, if we're not being intentionally
ironic, can we please stop saying "at the end of the day" unless we're referring to sundown; "the bottom line" unless we're referring to a balance sheet; "iconic" unless we're referring to a religious image; and "has the chops" unless they're pork or lamb
and the person who has them is heading for the grill?
Going forward, in a perfect world, hopefully a perfect storm at some point will convince us to push back against hijacked
phrases that have gone viral and will help us wrap our minds around the triteness of game-changers on level playing fields where self-absorbed, high-maintenance, deeply flawed human beings who wanna be hot, high-end, jaw-dropping,oh-so-full-of gravitas
rock stars establishing their brand and rocking their prose but who instead should walk their prose back and pivot away from the culture of the ready-made, ending their assault on--indeed, their war on--linguistic freshness as they search for the final piece
of the puzzle and maybe, as they concentrate on hearing the sound of one hand clapping, koan a phrase of their own?
*****
The following sentences are not necessarily stale, but for various reasons it's unlikely that any one will ever utter them again:
"We've got box cutters,
and we're hijacking this plane."
"Let's wear our Penn State sweatshirts when we go down to the Boys' Club."
"Our bombing will produce such shock and awe that the war will be over in no time."
"We'll secure peace in the Middle East by getting the Palestinians and the Israelis
to make each other offers they can't refuse."
"We should trade for A-Rod because he can help this team."
"Now that Lance Armstrong has been banned, Tour de France participants won't dare to use PEDs."
"Because America adheres to the rule of law, U.S. governent agencies don't
spy on their own citizens."
"Anthony Weiner deserves another chance."
"Without cable or dish,
I can't watch my favorite TV programs."
"The Arab Spring will bring freedom and democracy to so many countries in the Middle East."
"Bully for you!"
*****
Recent research has revealed new information
about Jonathan Goldsmith, the most interesting man in the world. In addition to what has been posted previously on this website, we can now add:
He spends his day looking
for challenges but just can't find any.
Life has never dared to hand him lemons.
He knows what's
been left out of abridged dictionaries.
He wears Google contact lenses.
Snapchat posts his photos
and drawings for a full minute.
Users of social websites voted him the Most Pinteresting Man in the World.
Out of modesty, he has his shirts monogramed on the inside.
Downton Abbey's Lord Grantham plans to consult him about how to adapt to a changing world.
The one percent envy him.
His siblings regard him as an only child.
The phrase "one-off" was coined to describe him.
He's the reason people finally stopped saying "More unique."
He has never experienced a guilty pleasure.
He gave The Talk to his parents.
He taught the NSA how to make sense out of telephonic metadata
When doing physics experiments, he employs Heisenberg's principle of uncertainty with certainty.
He sequenced his own genes.
Siri's pulse rate goes up whenever he talks to her.
Neurologists are using his brain as a model for developing Artificial Intelligence.
Immigrants cite him as their reason for
coming to America.
His red lines have never been crossed.
When he compares himself to those around
him, he realizes that he is right to be self-absorbed.
He has six wisdom teeth.
Community
volunteer programs wish that he needed something so they could have the privilege of serving him.
He knows all of the Rumsfeldian unknowns.
He can line up people aphabetically by height.
In the presence of economists, he is at both quantitative and qualitative ease.
He is always chillaxing.
If for some reason he were ever socially uncomfortable, he'd be comfortable with
that.
His internet address is uww.interesting.calm.
He communicates in sign language without using
his hands.
He can read braille with his eyes.
He seizes opportunity before it can knock.
He doesn't predict future events, he foresees them.
Fathers offer him their daughters' hands in marriage
even though he hasn't asked.
All Facebook users have asked him to friend them.
All Facebook users
have Photoshopped him into their selfies.
When tasting wine, he knows the difference between "plummy" and "jammy."
He knows the exact percentage of global warming that is due to man-made causes.
He does the NY Times Saturday crossword puzzle backwards--and in high heels.
He knows when he is having a false memory.
He would be privileged even if he weren't a white male.