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Welcome to NPR, National Punning Radio. Here are headlines from stories we're following today:
Nightlife-Loving Physicist Tells Wife Dark Energy Driving Them Apart
The Coup de Grass: House Defeats Medical Marijuana Bill
Secretary Of Defense Panetta's Position On Transparency Unclear
In Anti-Walmart Rant, Paul Krugman Says "The Devil Is In The Retails"
Investigation Reveals Back Story On Unethical Chiropractor
New U.S. Mid-East Policy: The Yemeni Of My Friend Is My Yemeni
Now Retired, Colonel Sanders Enjoys Just Hangin' With His Peeps
Bad Loans Put Desert Homes Underwater
Harried Housewife Too Busy To Multitask
Larry David, Excited To Begin Another Year Of His Sit-Com, Says "I've Cubed My Enthusiasm"
Stripper Brings Full Resources To Bare
Obama Torturing Self Over Morality Of Enhanced Interrogation Methods
Independents See Selves As Caught Between The Devil And The Deep Pelosi
Divorcee On Dating Rush Limbaugh: "Finally, I Meet Mr. Right"
Director Of Seattle Rep's Production Of Annie Cuts Key Song Because "Seattle Audience Will Never Believe That 'The Sun'll Come up Tomorrow'"
Visually Challenged Say They Would Give iTeeth If Apple Would Invent e-Braille
Techies Pooh-Pooh New Apple Tablet, Call It i-Candy
Jealous Best Man Punches Groom in Altarcation
Prizewinning Thesaurus Editor Says He Can't Find The Words To Express His Gratitude
Logician Says It's Always Bad Practice To Make Sweeping Generalizations
Cemetery Caretaker Obstructs Funeral Procession by Putting Cart Before The Hearse
Vegan Therapist Abandons Diet Because "I Need A Little Meat Time"
Van Dyke Exhibit Always Draws Biggest Crowds; Museum Director Calls Him "Our Goa-tee Guy"
New York Now A Mecca for Anti-Muslim Demonstrations
Many New Yorkers Unable to Wrap Head Around Scarf-Wearing By Muslim Women
Techno-Geek Says People Who Blame Car Accidents on Cell Phone Use Are Looking For A Skypegoat
Teen Stunned When She Suddenly Gives Birth, Says She Had No Conception She Was Pregnant
Frustrated Reader Calls NY Times Offering A "Cussword Puzzle"
Expert Says Today's Kids Getting Too Much Fiber-Optics In Their Diets
Sierra Club To Natural Gas Companies: "Don't Frack Around with America's Rocks"
Cardiologist Sued For Sexual Harrassment After Calling Female Patient A "Statin Doll"
Quatrain Mechanics Is Title Of Physicist's New Study Of Unseen Images And Unheard Sounds In Modern Poetry
Psychiatrist Says How America Deals With Mental Illness Is "Crazy"
Health Insurance Provider Says Overpaying Of Phlebotomists Sucking The Lifeblood Out Of Its Profits
Death Penalty Foes Say They Would Kill To End Capital Punishment
Cemetery Says New Gravesite Locations Are To Die For
Car Repair Shop Has Quantum Mechanics To Take Care Of The Little Things
Statisticians Say Odds Are That Most People Will Not Accept The Laws Of Probability
U.S. Military Develops Bird-Size Spy Drones; Paranoid Muslims Destroying Bird-Feeders Right And Left
Retired Persons' Association Advises Members: "CAARPe Diem"
British Actor Colin Firth Laid Up With Gastro-Intestinal Troubles For A Fartnight
Pirate Ship Clashes On High Seas With Solo Sailor Who Says "Don't Touch My Junk"
Quantum Physicist Makes His Point By Arriving Late For Lecture On Relativity Of Time
Geithner Believes In Big Bank Theory
Other Liffey Boat-Racers Left In Finnegan's Wake
Study Finds Flautists Often Suffer From Flautulence
Dyslexic Boxer Vows To Kick Ttub
Fund-Raisers For Right-Wing Candidates Say Things Go Better With Koch
Hey, Boobs, Don't Try To Drive In Dust Storms, Warns Arizona Department Of Public Safety
After Drubbing Seattle Mariners, Other AL Teams Apologetically Say "No Offense"; "None Taken," Mariners Respond
Social Reformers Say We Need To Learn To Live Beyond Our Memes
Extremists Frightened To Death When Norwegian Prime Minister Says Country Will Fight Terrorism With "More Democracy"
Users of Social Networks Warned "You Are What You Tweet"
DNA specialists Discover That Right Answer To Age-Old Question "Are You A Man Or A Mouse?" Is "Yes"
Waiting To Exhale Is Most Popular Film Ever Shown on Oxygen Channel
John McEnroe On Playing Senior Tennis During August Dog Days In St. Louis: "You Cannot Be Sirius"
Doctor Has Heart Attack While Lecturing On Coronary Disease
Apprehended Motorist Refuses To Walk Straight Line But Breath Reeks Volumes
Verizon Says New 4G Phone Is Part Of "Planned Evolution"
Tired Of Having His Capabilities Tested, Obama Now Suffering From Mettle Fatigue
Paul Simon's New Song About L.A. Skies: "Still Hazy After All These Years"
Verizon Develops New Phone App For Homotextuals
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