Raymond Chandler's noir fiction, featuring private detective Phillip Marlowe as narrator, is replete with similes and metaphors that present a dark world of tough guys and femme fatales. Examples:
"As honest as you
can expect a man to be in a world where it's going out of style."
"It seemed like a nice neighborhood to have bad habits in."
"The girl gave him a look which ought to have stuck at least four nails out of his back."
"It was a blonde.
A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window."
"She smelled the way the Taj Mahal looked by moonlight."
"She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket."
A noirish narrator familiar with the political and cultural
scenes of 2014 might include a few comparisons like these:
The mass killer in the mall was yellower than the Skagit Valley when the daffodils bloom.
Kim Kardashian's secrets were as open as Victoria's.
Her body was Rubenesque, and her
breath smelled of sauerkraut.
The old woman had a face that could start traffic on the University Bridge during rush hour in Seattle.
The NBA suspended Donald Sterling faster than a particle moves through the Hadron Super Collider.
The
action of Jon Meis in subduing the shooter at Seattle Pacific University demonstrated more heart than an "I <> NY" tee shirt worn by Christina Hendricks.
As a politico, Bill Clinton had an even better sense of direction than Siri.
The permitting
of fracking was even more of a no-brainer than Michelle Bachmann.
The rapper was as free with his speech as the Koch brothers with theirs after the Supreme Court ruling on campaign finance.
In his Supreme Court decisions, Antonin Scalia clings
to the past more tightly than does Vladimir Putin.
Oscar Pistorius was as innocent as Chris Christie monitoring a New Jersey traffic jam.
Kellie Pickler was as vibrant as the strings in a modern physicist's theory.
The gap between
David Letterman's teeth was as wide as economic inequality in America.
Surprisingly, his visit to the dentist was as painless as the economic sanctions levied by America on Russia after its takeover of Crimea.
Her busy social schedule featured
as many parties as Syria.
She was as available as a gun in Arizona.
He was as welcome as Obamacare in Texas.
The toker was no more likely to keep off the grass than is Cliven Bundy.
His shoeless walk across the old wooden deck left
his feet more splintered than the Middle East.
The futurist was as far-sighted as the Hubble telescope.
He was as insightful into the emotional needs of women as Don Draper.
His ego was as inflated as the universe a nano-second after the
Big Bang.
The wine was as dry as central California's croplands.
Her welcoming smile was as warm as the 21st century climate.
The puppy clung to his chew toy the way the Republicans cling to the incident in Benghazi.
He was as merciless
as a Muslim cleric administering Sharia law.
His promotion was as likely to happen as the invocation of a Muslim prayer to kick off an Upstate New York city council meeting.
The senior citizen's spine was as crooked as an Arizona political district
after post-election gerrymandering.
Antonin Scalia was as favorable to affirmative action as an Internet Service Provider is to net neutrality.
Texas Governor Rick Perry was as vapid as an e-cigarette.
The senior citizen was losing
his memory as rapidly as America lost belief in its exceptionalism.
The film was as explosive as a Jihadist wearing a suicide vest.
She was caught in a tug-of-not-quite-war between two suitors, like Ukraine between Europe and Russia.
He
had the equanimity of Barack Obama exercising soft power.
His prospects were as unpromising as those of a Millennial.
He had the adolescent enthusiasm of a Bill de Blasio setting out to remedy income inequality and provide affordable housing
to New Yorkers.
George Soros' pockets were even deeper than Ecurb Snave's before periodontal surgery.
She felt as misused as the word "organic" in a produce display at Safeway.
His feelings were as divided as the Roberts Supreme
Court deciding a case involving religion or race.
He was under as much pressure as fracked shale.
The message she sent was as mixed as genetically modified kale.
Laws banning same-sex marriage in the United States are disappearing as fast
as the Arctic glaciers.
He was as twitchy as a prisoner condemned to capital punishment both before and after receiving a lethal injection.
*****
Deferring Deterring
We withdrew from Iraq, and Iraq continues
to see bloody struggles between Sunnis and Shiites. We have almost completed our withdrawal from Afghanistan, and Afghanistan is now a chaotic, lawless land suffering from a life-or-death struggle between Hamid Karzai's forces, al Qaeda, and the Taliban.
We said that Syria's use of chemical weapons would be a "red line," then did nothing when we discovered that Syria had indeed used chemical weapons. We said that Crimea belonged to Ukraine but simply stood by when Russia aggressively separated Crimea
from Ukraine and brought Crimea into its orbit. We sided with Japan in its claim to islands in the China Sea, then did nothing when China declared the islands were theirs. We told Iran we would not allow it to build a nuclear bomb, then eased up
on economic sanctions against it, preferring negotiation and cooperation to punishment.
Are snowballs snowballing, dominoes toppling, thin edges of wedges leveraging? Is a perception of American weakness emboldening foreign countries to
aggrandize themselves through power plays? Do they read weakness in our actions or the lack thereof and conclude that they can change political regimes and grab territory with impunity? Do they see America under Obama as a Munich eunuch?
To
a small degree, perhaps. But Obama's recent foreign policy decisions are basically in tune with the current mood of most Americans. Not even John McCain advocates going to war in Iraq (again), Afghanistan (again), Syria, Crimea, Iran, or the China
Sea. We've had enough of war for a while. We need time to decompress. In the absence of a credible threat to our own economic well-being or territorial integrity, most of us are content to rely on diplomacy, light economic sanctions, modest
military aid, drone warfare, cyber espionage, and covert operations to maintain our position as the number one order-maker in the world. But deep down we know, and the rest of the world knows as well, that in time our bellicosity will bubble to the surface
again.
Meanwhile, the hawkish minority chafes at what it sees as disrespect to America. They argue that recent events would not have happened if the countries in question feared us because they knew that we would wage war against them, even though
we have recently conducted two long wars. They argue that we should have armed Syrian rebels, even though we cannot figure out which of the various Syrian factions we should ally with. They argue that we should levy stronger economic sanctions
on Russia, even though doing so would cause serious hardships for Ukraine and the European Union. They argue, like columnist David Brooks in the New York Times, that the U.S. needs to undertake "simple, strong acts of deterrence to preserve
order," such as Obama making an "assertive gesture" by going to Kiev to give a speech , even though such a speech would be mere posturing. They argue that we should conduct military exercises in Eastern Europe or the China Sea, even though, similarly,
such exercises would be mere posturing. The "transgressions" against our idea of world order are annoyingly bothersome, but at present we don't find them serious enough to warrant large investments of money and American lives.
Thinking wishfully,
Hawks contend that recent events would not have happened under a George Bush-Dick Cheney regime, because Bush-Cheney would have talked tough. The reality is that a 2014 reincarnation of Bush-Cheney would have spoken louder
and more harshly than Obama but have been no more likely than Obama to lash out with a big stick. There'd have been more blustering but not more deterring. For now, hawks must be patient. They must give us time to revalidate our belief in
American exceptionalism and American righteousness. By the end of Obama's presidency--possibly even a bit before that--we'll be ready to throw our weight around again.
*****
Humble Pie, A La Mode De LeBron
As reported in USA Today:
"Any time I hear my name or our team in the same breath with legends and great teams and franchises, it's so humbling," said LeBron James of the Miami Heat about comparisons made between him and Michael
Jordan and between the Heat and Jordan's Bulls.
"I'm blessed. Very blessed. Humbled," added James after the Heat beat the Pacers, 117-92, and earned a place in the NBA Finals for the fourth year in a row.
Doing a little web sleuthing,
Ecurb Snave has been able to track down the rest of the story which, for some reason, USA Today editors chose not to print:
"James, widely regarded as one of the five best ever to play in the NBA, is a perennial league All-Star, has four times
been voted league MVP, has won two NBA championships and two Olympic Gold medals, is in the fifth year of a $109, 837,500 contract, earns roughly $40 million in endorsements every year, and has an estimated current net worth of $150,000,000. However,
judging by the deferential way he spoke after his team's latest triumph, this is what he would have us believe he thinks about himself:
'The money, the adulation, the praises, the glory, the tributes, the awards, the parades, the audiences with the
President, the groupies throwing themselves at me--all really keep me in my place, keep me from getting too gosh darn big for my britches. Success to me is like a wake-up call reminding me of just how lowly I am. It's my reality check. It
reminds me to be true to mine own hang-dogged self. Did I say I was humbled? Nay, I meant humiliated. Not only abashed but abased. Not just modest, mortified. My success teaches me--in a profound way that failure never could--that
I am not worthy. Success is my cross, my crown of thorns. It is the whipping, the flogging, that I need to remind me of just how less than ordinary I am. In the disgrace that my towering achievements have brought upon me, I have found the
blessing of ignominy. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for this most wonderful, and truly most undeserved, gift.'"