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"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja-vu all over again."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime these days."
"That place is so crowded that nobody goes there anymore."
"If people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them."
If Yogi Berra didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him. In fact, even though he does exist, it was still necessary to invent him. I mean, did Yogi really come up with all those bonmots, non-sequiters, incongruities, paradoxes, malapropisms, and out-of-the-mouths-of-babes aphorisms? No way. No way Yo say more than one of those witticisms--or so I used to think before I had a chance to attend a yoga session with him last week. Afterward, we hit the Jamba Juice for a yogurt-based strawberry-peanut butter smoothie and, surprisingly, as we conversed, between sips he let slip the following:
This smoothie's pretty good. I thought about ordering the orange one but I wasn't sure what flavor it came in.
Hey, is it just me, or am I hot? No, wait, I know--it's not the heat, it's my humility.
You know, I've always wondered what comes after eternity.
These days people are always telling you to live in the moment, but I don't have time for that. In fact, I'm so busy that I don't have time to multitask, either. I sat down to watch 60 Minutes last night--do you realize that took a whole hour? Now, I know that the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, but it has to slow down when it gets dark out, doesn't it? Well, whatever. I can only do so much. There's only 24 hours in a day, you know--and just 23 during daylight saving time. Anyway, I don't really care how fast or slow time passes--I intend to survive until I die. And to do that, I think that the best plan is just to play it by ear.
All this talk about future shock is so yesterday, but I just want to say that I'm in favor of equality for women because so many of them do such a good job around the house that they've earned it. Some of my friends are against gay marriage, though. I say all marriages should be gay--why would you want a sad one? Unfortunately, all of my friends are out of town right now, so I don't have anyone to play solitaire with. Maybe I'll go to the Friday Fish Fry for something to do. I just need to find out what day it's on this week. I think I'll be able to find the place all right. Whenever I'm trying to find an address, I always start from where I am. I love driving. I know one thing: if we ever develop a green America, I'll happily drive 40,000 miles a year. I really don't like having a mortgage on my house, though. I don't like to feel controlled by a bank. I think I'll borrow enough to pay it off.
That chatterbox over there is really annoying me. Why does he keep saying over and over that he has OCD?
Everybody says that there's nothing like classic Yogi 1.0, but I don't see why they think they need to keep bringing up my high school grade point average.
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I can't remember what I forgot. And people talk about muscle memory. Are you kidding me? I can hardly remember things with my brain, let alone my muscles. I'm not like most people. I mean, sometimes I have trouble with math. Like I'm not quite sure how many penny candies I can get for a nickle, and sometimes I have trouble drawing conclusions. OK, I admit that maybe half the time I'm not paying attention, but most of the time I am. When I think of all the intelligent people I've met, I realize that most everyone is above average. Funny thing, though, you'd think that by now all those smart scientists out there would have figured out a way to measure infinity. And now they're talking about parallel universes. Of course you've got to believe in parallel universes. What's the alternative--sitting on top of each other? I may not have much book-learning, but I do have a lot of self-knowledge and i know that any illusions I might have are true. And I can flat-out guarantee you that if any of my motives were unconscious, I'd know about it.
Geez, the Yankees really stunk yesterday, didn't they? Sure, they did all they could, but they could have done more. C.C. Sabathia had nothing, and for him that's really something.
Wow, it's getting late. I need to get home and catch up with the world. Do you happen to know what time they'll show the 6 o'clock news tonight? Anyway, thanks for the smoothie, man, and I'll see you later. What do you mean don't threaten you?
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