At the close of 2013, the Seattle Times suggested that readers create headlines that they would like to come across in newspapers
in 2014. Here are mine:
Supreme Court rules that Americans have a Constitutional right to polygamy and polyandry
It takes a millage to raise a child: Mesa voters approve tax increases to fund schools
Aging Tea Party members admit they would never approve of any kind of government health plan except Medicare
Democrats acknowledge that the Affordable Care Act causes serious pocketbook pain to much of the middle class
Republicans finally concede it will do them no political good to drone on and on about painful Benghazi incident
Lindsay Graham agrees that his good-old-boy schtick is growing tiresome
Poll reveals American public willing to pay higher prices if employers agree to raise minimum wage
Mesa to
require all on-duty police officers to wear cameras
Washington state legislature cancels free on-street parking for vehicles
possessing disabled-parking placards
Beginning in 2015, all new vehicles sold in the U.S. must contain a breathalyzer
whose test the driver must pass successfully before engine will start
Arizona legislature decides that driverless cars
will be allowed on all roads in AZ
Self-driving cars to hit markets in 2015, cost less than $50,000
All Marines--male and female--who seek combat duty must meet existing physical fitness standards
2014 passes without a single mass shooting in the U.S.
Private catastrophe insurance to be required of all who live within 10 miles of a forest, river, bay, or ocean
Congress authorizes massive thinning of federal forests
Congress cuts defense spending by 10%
Congress raises federal gas tax 5 cents per gallon with proceeds earmarked for improvements in infrastructure
Federal Reserve to raise interest rates and ease up on quantitative easing
FDIC to require that all banks hold 10% of their assets in cash
U.S. to begin using plastic cash
Bitcoin for Dummies now available online and in book stores
Congress passes immigration reform bill, complete with passage to citizenship
Catholic Church concedes that health insurance policies it provides should include contraceptive coverage
After a year of de Blasio, New Yorkers admit they miss Bloomberg
No clemency granted to Snowden after Wiki-leaks incident
Snowden hailed as martyr who stood up for the 4th Amendment
Congress to require all foods for sale--fresh, frozen, canned, prepared--to be labeled with nutrition information, including calorie count
Major effort by U.S. colleges makes it possible for students to take all introductory lecture classes online
Federal grant encourages creativity by supplying all public school science departments with a 3-D printer
Our Study Was Flawed Department: anti-bacterial soaps don't contribute to the spread of disease, diet sodas don't contribute to obesity, and vitamin supplements don't
increase the risk of death
Political pundits and sports commentators all agree that any of them who make a specific prediction
in the media will donate $1,000 to a homeless shelter if the prediction does not come true
PROPs (People Respecting and
'onoring Plants) society founded as nation gains more respect for the complicated nature of plant life
New USDA-approved
drug guaranteed to build muscle and burn fat safely
Grassroots movement to arrive for appointments and dates precisely
on time (not fashionably late or senior citizenly-early) sweeps nation
Surprise! Damian Lewis returns for season
4 of Homeland because Saul's team of turncoat Iranians helped Brodie fake his death
Ukraine snubs Putin, joins
European Union
In about-face, Putin orchestrates Gay Pride parade preceding opening ceremonies at Winter Olympic Games
Syrians agree to end Civil War and divide country into 3 parts
Israel announces it will not permit any new settlement on West Bank
Erdogan vows to achieve secular Turkish state
U.S. and Iran form alliance against al-Qaeda militants in Iraq
Phoenix Suns win #1 lottery pick, select Kentucky's Julius Randall
Indiana Pacers defeat San Antonio Spurs for NBA championship in series that can only be called a meat-grinder
Washington Husky basketball team wins NIT
Husky running back
Bishop Sankey says he's changed his mind, will return for senior year
Conceding that they cannot recruit top athletes
without lowering academic standards, service academies drop interscholastic sports and expand intramural programs
Sports
Illustrated features Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi in first-ever Pantsuit Issue
Seattle Mariners sign Masahiro
Tanaka
Tiger Woods wins 2 majors
Winter Olympics passes without terrorist attack
Life's Too Short Department:
Rule change--pro and college basketball teams to be limited to 2 timeouts apiece for televised games
Life's Too Short
Department: Rule change--in basketball games at every level, free throws to be abolished, with 1 point plus possession of the ball to be awarded automatically to the offended team
"Life Coach" admits clients could get same insights more cheaply and quickly simply by watching The Wizard of Oz
*****
Ecurb's Playlist (cont.):
"Jeep's Blues," the Duke Ellington Orchestra--On the legendary 1956 album Ellington at Newport, which includes the beautifully
constructed three-part "Festival Suite" and the classic rendition of "Diminuendo in Blue" and Crescendo in Blue," we find this lovely version of "Jeep's Blues," featuring of course Johnny ("Jeep") Hodges on alto sax. Hodges starts with some lyrical
wailing, both sinuous and sinewy, soulful calls from the wild, before he gets to the melody, which he states, comments upon, then annotates the comments. The rhythm section maintains a firm but unobtrusive beat, Ellington's piano tinkling in
support as he can be heard shouting "Oh, yes!" before Hodges closes with a last shivering group of notes. No wonder the current film American Hustle opens with this number, as Christian Bales and Amy Adams, till then strangers, find themselves
bonding in response to it. How could they not?