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Please come in, Mr. Jones. Nice to meet you (shaking hands). Have a seat.
Thank you.
The part of your resume that you actually completed is quite interesting. I like that you've read so many self-help books. Shows that you really want to find out who you are as well as become the best job candidate you can be.
Well, I think it's crucial to engage in introspection and explore the genetic, cultural, and environmental impediments that keep one from self-realization.
Admirable, admirable. Far too many people fail to recognize those impediments and unfairly blame themselves for not achieving their goals.
Thank you, thank you. I can tell already that you're one of the best personnel directors that I've had the pleasure of being interviewed by.
Thank you. Now, I mentioned that you did not complete your resume. Why is that?
Simple. I'm not lazy, Sir, believe me. However, I do suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome.
I see. So you find it hard to concentrate and complete tasks?
Not at all--except when my attention-deficit disorder kicks in.
I see, I see. No question, ADHD can plague the best of us. I also notice that on your last job you used up all of your annual sick leave and personal leave within the first six weeks of your employment. Do you have a hard time coping with physical ailments or psychological pressures?
No way. I am one tough son of a buck. But one thing you should know about me is that I was born with a lower pain threshhold than most people. What can I do, man? I'm not going to blame my parents, but I do have to say that the responsibility is primarily theirs.
Of course it is. And they need to be adults and own up to that responsibility.
Well said, Sir.
Moving on here...I'm wondering why you took a six-month leave of absence from your job after your divorce?
What are you saying? That I'm not capable of getting on with my life? 'Cause I can get on with my life as well as anybody, man, except when my post-traumatic-stress syndrome lays me low. Nothing I can do about that, man. You better believe it.
Cool down, now, cool down. My fault, my fault. This is a touchy subject, but I'm sure that you're not a hothead.
No way am I a hothead, man. I just happen to have anger-management issues, damn it! Like that time in grade school when we had a field day and I finished last in the 50-yard dash and kids laughed at me. That was crap! I was just as fast as any of those kids, except that I didn't have as many quick-twitch fibers in my muscles as they did. And I was as smart as all those so-called class brains, too, except that I had a different learning style. My teachers were like all auditory and visually oriented, and I'm a kinesthetic learner. I need to move, man. (Gets up and shadow-boxes.)
Hey, relax, relax, now. We're almost done here. Just one more thing. After you came back from your leave of absence, you were terminated from your job because of sexual harrassment, and you did not dispute the charge.
What was the point, man? The company that I worked for did not understand the simple concept of sexual addiction. They had no sense of the importance of paying for their employees' therapy and allowing them to improve gradually in some kind of 12-step program. They wanted me to stop making suggestive remarks and touching people inappropriately all at once. I was going to fight for my right to be treated as someone with special needs, but then I had one of those epiphanies that the self-help books describe so often. I realized that instead of challenging them, the most satisfying response would be to show them that I am not afraid to back down.
Well said, well said. I've heard enough, Mr. Jones. The job is yours. You can't help that life has dealt you a bad hand.
But I've played it pretty well, haven't I?
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