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Franklin Delano Roosevelt once claimed that "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," but F.D.R. was as wrong about that as he would have been had he said "The only thing we have to love is love itself" or "The only thing we have to hate is hate itself." There exist at least 527 phobias for which words have been coined. These range from the well-known arachnophobia, acrophobia, claustrophobia, and xenophobia to the arcane octophobia (fear of the figure 8), arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth), hippopotomonstrosesesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words), and symmetrophobia (fear of symmetry).
A self-confessed scaredy-cat, I suffer from a number of those official 527. In alphabetical order, I have
Acrophobia (fear of high places)--that's me with my back against the structures themselves and inching my way around the observation decks of the Space Needle and the Empire State Building, lest I misstep and somehow fall over the guard railings.
Aeroacrophobia (fear of open high places)--that's me creeping on all fours on an alpine ridge in Switzerland, lest I lose my balance and fall over a cliff.
Agrizoophobia (fear of wild animals)--that's me brandishing my driver and keeping my golf cart between me and it when encountering a coyote on a Mesa golf course (and don't even get me started on bears in Alaska), lest I be attacked on my backswing.
Amathaphobia (fear of dust)--that's me slinking away from not just haboobs but outdoor blowers and pushbrooms in use, even a dustrag being snapped clean, lest I inhale the airborn fungi that cause Valley Fever.
Allodoxophobia (fear of opinions)--that's me hoping that someone I'm conversing with doesn't spout off a certain political or religious opinion, lest I be angered by its stupidity or embarrassed at the lack of subtlety of the person who uttered it and made to feel estranged by our differences; that's also me refraining from offering my own political or religious opinion except in circumscribed situations, lest I anger or embarrass my conversational partner, be made to feel inferior, and be rejected for my otherness.
Apotemnophobia (fear of amputations)--that's me looking the other way when I see an amputee, with or without prosthesis, lest I be disaffected by the shock of the abnormality and reveal my shallowness.
Atelophobia (fear of imperfection)--that's me double-checking myself in the mirror and obsessing over my clothes, my house, my car, my utterances, and my sports performances, lest any of them seem less than showtime quality.
Atychipophobia (fear of failure)--that's me seeking out another sports challenge but worried about failing it and trembling when winning or losing comes down to my bowling a strike in the tenth frame or getting a seventh-inning hit with two out or returning my opponent's serve at ad-in or ad-out, lest I reveal how unclutch I am.
Autodysomophobia (fear of one who has a vile odor)--that's me moving away from anyone who smells bad, lest I be sickened by their presence while, of course, fearing to tell them why.
Aviophobia (fear of flying)--that's me experiencing hypertension from takeoff to landing, lest I get over-confident at the smoothness of the flight and a vengeful karma decide to crash the plane to teach me humility.
Bacteriophobia (fear of bacteria)--that's me washing my hands not just after using the toilet or getting them greasy or dirty on some project but after any little task or before eating even so much as a morsel (unless someone offers me that morsel on his/her already-used fork or--heaven forbid--from his/her hand; if that happens, I'll gag as unobtrusively as possible and feel contaminated for hours), lest I be attacked and made ill by alien germs.
Batrackophobia (fear of newts)--that's me cringing at Gingrinch's campaign victories, lest he gain momentum and eventually be elected President.
Blennophobia (fear of slime)--that's me turning away from someone with a runny or snotty nose (a frequent occurrence when I intermingle with the seniors in my retirement community, because they need to have their noses wiped almost as often as infants do; alas, I'm no exception), lest I be sickened by their appearance while, of course, being unable to tell them why.
Cacophobia (fear of ugliness)--just as with amputees and those with body odors and runny noses, that's me turning away from ugly people and ugly scenes, lest I be distressed by their failure (as I am distressed by my own) to meet ideal standards of attractiveness and charm.
Catagelophobia (fear of being ridiculed)--that's me avoiding any situations that could cause me to appear to be out of my element, lest I be laughed at or derided (see atychiphobia).
Enosiophobia (fear of criticism)--that's me playing in my own little world and seldom asking for feedback on anything I do or write, lest it be negative and cause me to hate both the critic and myself.
Frigiphobia (fear of the cold)--that's me avoiding all cold climates and wearing multiple layers of clothing whenever the temperature drops below 75 degrees, lest I shiver uncontrollably and catch a cold or the flu.
Geraseophobia (fear of growing old)--that's me pushing myself to stay active in sports, to stay trim, to keep up with current events, and to stimulate my mind by reading and writing, lest I become a sedentary grump who feels that life has passed him by and doesn't really care that it has.
Herpetophobia (fear of reptiles)--that's me avoiding a walk on the Sonoran desert during warm weather and leaping involuntarily into the air with heart a-thump when, on the golf course, I notice rippling grass in the rough or a long, sinuous twig right beneath my descending foot.
Illyngophobia (fear of vertigo, dizziness)--that's me mostly abstaining from alcohol and staying off amusement park rides that spin, lest I get that horrible out-of-control feeling of being unable to walk straight and needing to vomit.
Necrophobia (fear of death)--that's me managing my medications, worrying about cancer, heart attacks, terrorist attacks, and fatal crashes with drunk or texting drivers, and that's me cringing at the sight of a dead animal and trying to put out of my mind the thought that I may soon be one too, lest I become depressed by my suspicion that life is a zero-sum game in which death is the permanent winner.
Obeseophobia (fear of gaining weight)--that's me counting calories and weighing myself twice daily, lest I lose control, go slack, get flabby.
Odynophobia (fear of pain)--that's me never leaving home without toting along a supply of Tylenol, lest I suddenly develop a headache or muscle spasms.
Rhytiophobia (fear of getting wrinkles)--that's me, appalled at the result of time's assault on my skin, throwing on the 90 SPF and ducking the sun except when engaging in outdoor sports, lest my geraseophobia increase.
So, a quick count reveals that I have 23 of the 527 classified phobias--but that is by no means the extent of my fears. In addition to fear of flying, I have what we might call
Criscophobia (fear of frying)--that's me mostly resisting the transfat blandishments of burgers, fries, doughnuts, and cakes, lest I become lard myself.
Greetophobia (fear of "Hi"-ing)--that's me averting my eyes from casual acquaintances that I spot in coffee shops, restaurants, or grocery stores, lest a greeting be extended into five minutes of boring or embarrassingly trivial chitchat.
Mallophobia (fear of buying)--that's me never going to a mall just for something to do or to while away the time looking for something I don't need, lest I deplete my bank account and suffer the pangs of buyer's remorse.
Mendacophobia (fear of lying)--that's me trying not to assert anything that I'm not certain of, lest it be later discovered to be untrue and I be considered a liar.
Lachryphobia (fear of crying)--that's me surreptitiously drying my eyes before leaving a movie theater or averting my eyes from others during weddings, funerals, and telecasts of "shining moment" victories, lest I be considered weak, sentimental.
Of course, not all of my additional fears rhyme. I also have what we might call
Anonomophobia (fear of being unknown)--that's me teaching high school classes, coaching high school teams, presiding over a tennis club, giving speeches, writing letters to the editor, and writing for this website, lest I be forgotten or ignored.
Authoritophobia (fear of someone else assuming that they know better than I and correcting me or trying to tell me what to do, think, or believe)--that's me turning a deaf ear to pontificators gratuitously offering me advice or instruction.
Bankruptophobia (fear of going broke)--that's me watching expenses, mostly eschewing self-indulgent purchases, trying to get the bankbook numbers to grow (I've been a saver since I first deposited, in the National Bank of Commerce, Edmonds branch, the $25 that I made on my first job, picking green beans for two cents a pound in the summer of 1951), lest disaster strike and I be unable to contend with it.
Dementiaphobia (fear of developing Alzheimer's)--that's me obsessing over lapses of memory, like forgetting to put my bat in my batbag or a bottle of water in my tennis bag, or circling the block for a second look-see because I can't remember if I closed the garage door after backing out, lest I lose myself in Lethedom.
Familyrestaurantophobia (fear of "homestyle" cooking)--that's me avoiding greasy spoons that feature pot roast and country-fried steak, lest I find nothing edible on the menu.
Ignoramophobia (fear of not knowing)--that's me reading three newspapers daily and four magazines weekly, checking out a half-dozen other news sources online every day, listening to NPR, watching PBS, and reading two books a month, lest I be considered ignorant, uninformed, out of step.
Intimophobia (fear of getting too close)--that's me moving back a literal or figurative step from acquaintances who want to become friends, lest I become entangled in new emotions and activities and lose my freedom.
Slackophobia (fear of not getting things done)--that's me, a strict schedule-follower, organizing my time and moving from one activity to another steadily throughout the day, lest I go slack and fail to be productive.
Now, I concede that some of the aforementioned "phobias" are more like anxieties or antipathies, that some of them blend in with others, and that some are more significant than others. I concede that I would be a better person if I could overcome some of them. However, I reject F.D.R.'s notion that "phobophobia" is what ails me. Fear is a survival mechanism that enables us to anticipate physical and psychological dangers and then either escape them or creatively seek ways to overcome them: flight or fight. Fear is as necessary to our continuance as is the recently discovered optimism gene which enables us to keep moving forward positively in the belief that we have control over our own lives. Fear and optimism are entwined like a double helix; they are our psychological DNA. We can't do without either one or the other. So I'm not knocking my phobias or anyone else's (well, maybe Hitler's). They are part of what has enabled me to survive, albeit shakily at times, for 72 years. They've helped me get to where I am.
Whaddaya mean, "Where's that?"
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