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Having trouble picking out Christmas gifts for the Einsteins on your shopping list? Just in time for your eleventh-hour gift-hunting foray, here are the latest Books for Dummies titles now available at both Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com.
Scoring 2400 on the SAT for Dummies
Raising Your Unborn Child's IQ by Playing Classical Music for Dummies
Mapping the Brain for Dummies
Quantum Mechanics for Dummies
Building Your Own Space Rocket for Dummies
Writing Computer Programs for Dummies
Ventriloquism for Dummies
Speech Therapy for Dummies
Pantomiming for Dummies
Silent Auctions for Dummies
Playing Bridge Hands for Dummies
Making Effigies for Dummies
Page Layouts for Dummies
Dumbwaiter Installation for Dummies
Genetic Mutations for Dummies
Playing a Muted Trumpet for Dummies
Increasing Your Self-Esteem for Dummies
How to Make a Suicide Bomb for Dummies
Self-Surgery for Dummies
Urban Legends for Dummies
Numerology for Dummies
Naturopathy for Dummies
Investing in Certificates of Deposit for Dummies
How to Choose a Winning Slot Machine for Dummies
How to Win a Coin Flip for Dummies
How to Pick a Winning Lottery Number for Dummies
Rock-Paper-Scissors Strategy for Dummies
Txting 4 Dumeze
I b 4 e x cept after c: Spelling Rules for Text-Messaging Dummies
The Meaning of "It's the Economy, Stupid" for Dummies
Conversational German for Dumkopfs
Using Free Weights for Dumbbells
Selecting Ammunition for Dum-Dums
Raising Chickens for Dumb Clucks
Vegetarianism for Dumb Bunnies
The Eat-All-You-Want Diet for Dummies
Rap Music Appreciation for Dummies
Justifying the Bowl Challenge System for Dummies
Opposing the Canada-U.S. Pipeline for Dummies
Lowering High School Graduation Requirements for Dummies
Reality TV Shows for Dummies
The Campaign Speeches of Rick Perry for Dummies
*****
(Headline for a recent story in the Arizona Republic: "Mom Won't Tell Sex of Baby, Fights Stereotypes Based on Gender")
Aw, what a beautiful little baby you've got there.
Thank you.
Just one month old, I'm guessing?
Exactly so.
Length and weight at birth?
21 1/2 inches; 7 pounds, 4 ounces.
May I ask whether the birth was vaginal or Caesarian?
Of course you may. Why would I object to that? No, it was not untimely ripped from my womb. It was vaginal and natural. No drugs for me.
And are you breast- or bottle-feeding?
Breast.
A mixed-race baby, apparently?
Well, in the sense that I'm one color and my partner is another, yes. But we don't give labels to our genetic heritage.
Was it a planned pregnancy?
We did not presume to tell nature what to do. We let it take its course.
You and your partner enjoy sex?
Yes, I'm so glad you asked. You'd be surprised how many people don't. We enjoy sex in every way we can imagine. We're always exploring new possibilities. In fact, just last night--"
Oh, I don't think I need to know about that! But I see your little cutie is wearing a pink and blue cap and a pink and blue gown. So is it a boy or a girl?
Now what the hell kind of a question is that? You're way out of line, buster! It's none of your damned business what Weather is.
What who is? Weather? That's the name of your child?
Yes, it is. And it's a beautiful name for a beautiful being.
Pardon me, but it just seems so...indeterminate.
That's precisely the point. The weather is variable. The weather is changeable. The weather is harsh, the weather is mild. The weather brings clear skies, the weather brings clouds. The weather brings killing frosts, the weather brings warm, wet growing seasons. You never know what you're going to get. Everybody talks about the weather but let us rejoice that nobody does anything about it, and nobody is going to do anything about our little Weather, either. We will never attempt to forecast Weather. Every day we'll simply enjoy the Weather that we have. Weather will develop Weather's own sexual identity without being coerced by a stereotyping culture. Nobody is going to know what's between our child's legs unless that's the way Weather wants it. Your interest in our child's sex is almost criminally unhealthy. What are you, a voyeur? A pervert? A control freak? We will treat Weather as an androgyne. Weather may choose long hair or short. Weather may wear a dress or pants. Weather may play with a doll or a toy car, a sewing kit or a hammer. Weather may use any public restroom Weather chooses to. We will never refer to Weather as a "he" or a "she" without first being granted permission from Weather to do so. If, as Weather matures, Weather has an epiphany and decides that a gender reassignment operation would help achieve self-fulfillment, we will happily pay for it. We'll help Weather keep Weather's options open. If Weather then wants to alternate genders every few months, that's fine with us, too. We've created an investment fund precisely for such elective surgeries. With the help of a local gender pedagogue we've compiled a primer of behaviors and language usages that reinforce stereotypes, and we have already started to read it to Weather as a cautionary tale at bedtime every night. We will never allow Weather to be coerced into the sexist use of language so rampant in our culture. Studies show that, much more often than men do, women use first person singular pronouns; cognitive words like "think," "reason," "believe"; and social words like ""us," "she," "we," "they," "them," "friend," "parent." Women notice people, men notice things--as is evident in men's more frequent use of articles, nouns, and prepositions. We as parents will instill this knowledge in Weather so that Weather may have a clear understanding of the effect of the language choices that Weather makes, and we will work assiduously to utter men's language and women's language in equal balance in Weather's presence so that Weather is not conditioned by gender-speak to see Weather's self as belonging to one gender or the other. No cultural high pressure system will ever determine our Weather.
*****
America: We're Number 1.4 (But Just Round Us Off and We're Number 1 Again)
In terms of our economy, America is the world's largest midget, some analysts say. But why be modest? Let's give ourselves credit (oh, wait, we've already done that--about 15 trillion dollars' worth) for also being the world's smartest dunce, stingiest spendthrift, sanest lunatic, soberest drunk, most cautious daredevil, most calculating gambler, most saintly sinner, most ascetic hedonist, most anorexic glutton.
*****
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