Would You Rather...

Decisions, decisions, recissions.  The game of "Would You Rather..." forces one to choose between alternatives, both of which may be, on the one hand, abhorrent, or, on the other, delightful.  As a lifelong hemmer-and-hawer, as one who has always struggled to accept the law of the excluded middle posited by Aristotelian logic, this is a tough game for me.  However, if constrained to gird my teeth and grit my loins, here are my choices, accompanied by brief, qualifying explanations.

Would you rather:

Have lunch with John McCain or Lindsay Graham?  (Lindsay.  Pugnacious John would only want to talk about the reasons why we should beat the hell out of a half-dozen different countries.  Lindsay, in his folksy twanging drawl [his twall?  his drang?] would amusingly slip his shiv into a variety of liberal pretensions.)

Have lunch with Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly?  (El Rushbo.  Smug Bill would pretend to be listening to and caring about whatever views you might express and would make a production out of giving you the last word, all the while dripping condescension.  The glib, unflappable Limbaugh, absolutely full of himself, would scarcely deign to notice you while monologuing the time away.  The more he raised your hackles, the more tickled you both would become.)

Have lunch with Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann?  (Sarah.  Michelle is so detached from reality that she would have you cringing in embarrassment [for her] at some of the things she would say.  Sarah would at least entertain you with stories of Alaskan frontier life in between taking jabs at Democrats.  She might offer a baggie of reindeer jerky to take home with you as well.)

Have lunch with Vladimir Nabokov or John Updike?  (J.U.  If supercilious Vlad talked at all it would be to skewer other novelists who do not come up to his anagramming standards.  John would praise other writers and show serious interest in you, all the while seeking to find something about you that he could use in a short story or novel.)

Have lunch with Venus Williams or Serena Williams?  (Serena.  Venus would be very polite and politically correct in all of her comments about the world of professional tennis.  Serena would dish and disparage.)

Have lunch with a representative from Occupy Wall Street or a member of the Tea Party?  (Occupy.  Both reps are fanatics--one hating the man, the other hating that man--but it would be more interesting to hear about a future that can never be than about a past that can never be again.)

Have lunch with Alex Rodriguez or Tiger Woods.  (A-Rod.  Taciturn Tiger would stare right through you while treating you to long, uncomfortable silences.  He would have nothing to say about his personal problems and transgressions.  Con-man A-Rod would blithely explain away his various predicaments but would at least feel obliged to communicate with you.)

Root for A-Rod or Tiger?  (Tiger.  A-Rod is merely one of a myriad of all-stars in the history of major league baseball.  Tiger has a chance to become the greatest golfer of all time, in terms of total wins and major tournament wins.  Root for greatness.)

Play golf with George W. Bush or Barack Obama.  (Barack.  George W. would create a nickname for you and would talk during your backswing to see if he could make you lose concentration.  His conversation would be confined primarily to sports.  Barack would be up on literature, science, philosophy, and pop culture and would amusingly trash the play of both himself and his partners.  Neither would reveal any state secrets.)

Read a Shakespearean play or watch it enacted?  (Read it.  Good acting and directing can bring a play to life in ways that I might not be able to do for myself, but for me the value of Shakespeare lies in the language, and I prefer to treat it like a crossword puzzle, immerse myself in it, reread certain passages, check the editor's footnotes, and tease out the meanings of metaphors and allusions.)

Watch "Downton Abbey" or "Upstairs, Downstairs"?  ("Upstairs, Downstairs."  "Downton Abbey" is likeable enough.  The two worlds--aristocrats and servants, and the interplay between them--are interesting, and the Dowager Countess brings a welcome acidity to the altruistic goodness of Lord and Lady Grantham.  But "Upstairs, Downstairs," filmed in an edgier black and white, does a better job of conveying how the servants derive most of the meaning of their lives from the success and stability of their masters and their country.)

Read a book downloaded onto an iPad or printed on paper?  (Printed on paper.  The iPad book is easy to access, lighter, more portable, probably cheaper.  But with the book you can look back or ahead much more easily and can dog-ear as many pages as you want to.)

Have a smart phone or an iPad and a cheap cell phone?  (An iPad and a cheap cell phone.  You can travel lightly with a smart phone--put it in your pocket and be on your way.  You can do the same with a cheap cell phone but of course without the smart options.  The iPad with its big screen makes Internet reading--of which I do a ton--so much more enjoyable.  So pocket your phone for calling or texting and carry your iPad in your car, briefcase, or purse for serious, prolonged Internet use.)

Eat frozen yogurt or ice cream?  (Fro yo.  Ice cream is a sinfully rich, guilt-inducing treat.  Fat-free fro yo manages to achieve a fairly silky texture in a variety of flavors while inducing fewer pangs of conscience.)

Know or not know the calorie count of every item on the menu in all restaurants, not just fast-food joints?  (Know.  Ignorance is not bliss.  It can be depressing to learn that an appetizing item is loaded with calories, but it's imperative to make informed choices.  I may back away from the calorie-laden item and select something more suited to my dietary goals, or I may splurge on the item and compensate for it by skimping later.  Inquiring minds want to know.)

Have a fish taco at Anthony's in the Food Court at the Alderwood Mall or at Rubio's in Mesa's Gateway strip mall?  (Rubio's.  Both have an enjoyable multi-ethnic clientele, but the Food Court is even noisier than a junior high cafeteria.  Anthony's taco is healthier, with its bigger piece of fish and its sprinkling of cabbage, but Rubio's tastes almost as good and is four times cheaper.)

Eat a Costco whitefish salad or drink the special elixir needed to prepare for a colonoscopy?  (Special elixir.  Oddly, I like Costco, and white fish, and salad, but the Costco combo is like a huge helping of salt in paste form.  I find it even more horrible to swallow than the cloying, filling liquid that cleanses the colon.)

Eat surf or turf?  (Surf.  The older I get, the less I look forward to sinking my teeth into--and hoping to be able to extract my teeth from--meat, especially red meat.  Long, slow-cooked beef stews and pot roasts are still tenderly savory, but by and large steak and chops have lost their sizzle for me.  But when surf's up, I'm ready to do my version of hanging ten.  Salmon, tuna, snapper, tilapia, sole, halibut, clams, prawns, shrimp, scallops, oysters--separately with herbed sauces or over pasta or some combination of them in bouillabaise or cioppino--all delight the nose, teeth, tongue, palate.)

Drink an outstanding white wine or an outstanding red wine?  (White.  All outstanding wines bring a multitude of pleasures, and red is preferred by most connoisseurs, but to me there is a greater variety of surprising, lively flavors in an outstanding white.  Great whites run the alphabetic gamut from acidity to zest.  But the point is pretty much moot, since I can seldom afford either the truly outstanding red or the truly outstanding white.)

Inhale second-hand cigarette smoke or second-hand cigar smoke?  (Cigar smoke.  Both are unhealthful, but there is absolutely nothing pleasant about cigarette smoke.  Cigar smoke at least has an aroma that intrigues as it offends.)

Work for minimum wage at a fast-food counter or for a janitorial service?  (Fast-food counter.  Janitorial service, while low stress, is boring.  Working the counter keeps you on your toes and gives you a change to engage in lighthearted banter with customers.)

Watch someone use a finger to pick his nose or his teeth?  (Teeth.  Fingering the teeth is a turnoff, but since childhood I have absolutely abhorred watching nose-pickers dig for treasure, and then examine, taste, roll, and flick their find.)

Rebel by removing the tag from a mattress or by refusing to close the cover before striking a book match?  (Removing the tag.  Not closing the cover before striking a match means risking a conflagration, fingers aflame.  Removing the mattress tag, not really a feat of derring-do, is of no consequence either to mattress or mattress-user [unless the NSA has cameras hidden in Sertas and Sealys].)

Shop for clothes online or in person?  (In person.  As much as I dislike driving mallward and trudging through parking lots and stores, and as much as I like the convenience and impersonality of online shopping, I need to see garments up close, touch them, try them on.)

Be a short tall person or a tall short person?  (A short tall person.  I share our culture's prejudice in favor of height.  Being a short tall person gains just a bit more respect than being a tall short person.  Whaddaya mean there's no difference between the two?)

Take it easy on your journey by car or push yourself to get to your destination as soon as possible?  (Push.  Observe the speed limit, stop regularly to rest, pull off at scenic viewpoints, enjoy the moment, chillax, yadda-yadda-yadda--that's not me.  I'll stop and smell the roses when I get to the Rose City, thank you.  Meanwhile, the game is on: how fast can you get there?  My ideal M.O. is to stop only when I need gas, efficiently combining that stop with a bathroom break and a quick purchase of food and drink.  What's heaven on the road?  A Starbucks and a gas station cheek by jowl just a quarter mile from a freeway exit.)

Drive on a jam-packed freeway or on jam-packed surface streets?  (Jam-packed surface streets, assuming that neither traffic flow is going to improve during the course of the journey.  When stopped on freeways I often feel claustrophobic, with views impeded by sound-barrier walls.  On surface streets, I can at least attempt to entertain myself by gazing at stores and houses and by making up stories about pedestrians.)

Dust and vacuum or do yard work?  (Dust and vacuum.  Both are tedious, Sisyphean jobs, but yard work puts more strain on the back and leaves you at the mercy of the elements.  Housework can be done under more comfortable conditions, and TV, radio, or music player are ready to provide you with company at the push of a button or two.  And you can eliminate half of the housecleaning task by purchasing a Roomba!) 

Work a crossword puzzle or read an instruction manual?  (Crossword puzzle.  Instruction manuals are both maddening and boring.  Sufficiently difficult crosswords are challenging and intriguing.  Granted, mastering the instruction manual will ultimately be of more practical benefit than solving yet another crossword puzzle.)

Spend money and effort to combat climate change or spend money and effort to adapt to it?  (Adapt to it.  Moderate attempts to combat climate change by developing non-carbon based sources of energy, like solar and nuclear power, make sense.  But we won't be able to reverse climate change without radical, exorbitantly expensive, freedom-restricting cultural change.  Best to develop ways to adjust to increased heat, drought, rising sea levels, violent storms, and changing ecosystems.)

Promote students on the basis of meeting minimum standards on state or national tests or on teacher recommendation?  (Teacher recommendation.  Promoting only students who pass valid and reliable tests sounds good but is impractical.  Standards will invariable be too low or too high.  There will always be dissatisfaction accompanied by political pressure to adjust standards up or down.  Trust the teachers [I know, I know--for 30 years I was one of those incompetent slackers] to have a pretty good sense of who deserves to pass and with what grade.)

Have your school elect a Homecoming Queen or a Homecoming Leader?  (Homecoming Leader.  There's something to be said for tradition, but there should be no trucking with royalty in a democracy.  There should also be no gender bias in a democracy.  Elect a leader--whether male, female, bisexual, transgender--based on merit [whatever on earth merit might be in qualifying to lead a Homecoming celebration!].)

 The United States President established red lines or kept his options open?  (Kept options open.  Red lines can establish clarity for both sides and can sometimes work as a deterrent to unwanted behavior.  But there is more to be said for ambiguity.  Red lines paint the President into a corner.  General threats and warnings leave all-important, face-saving wiggle room for both sides.)

Be a part of urban density or of suburban sprawl?  (Suburban sprawl.  City life can be exciting and energizing.  There is a greater variety of people, cuisines, shops, entertainment venues, and modes of transportation in the city.  Most suburban neighborhoods are blander, more homogenous, more mallifying.  Which is precisely why I like them for a home base.  Spice things up by rubbing a variety of shoulders in the big-shouldered city by day, then retreat to quiet, fenced-in solitude by night.)

Live in a society that operates 24/7, like much of the urban U.S.A., or in one that operates 16/6, like rural France?  (24/7.  Occasionally, it's a relief to shut down commerce with the commercial world, to shun trafficking with traffic, to observe a sabbath, but I want that observance to be my own decision, not a cultural mandate.  Stores and entertainment venues should open every day, including holidays.  I mean, the nearest pharmacy that my HMO will allow me to use closes at 7:00 p.m. every day and all day Sunday.  How primitive!  I feel as if I'm living in the Middle Ages! Whaddaya mean this paragraph seems to be somewhat in conflict with the one preceding it?)

As an enemy combatant, experience physical torture or brainwashing?  (Brainwashing.  Only a true martyr can go though the excruciating pain of physical torture without telling the enemy what he knows, or what he thinks the enemy wants him to say, or some combination of both.  Brainwashing can sap one's soul and steal one's integrity, but there's a greater likelihood that I could resist it than that I could resist torture.  In the final analysis, I must admit that I'd rather be overcome by the Stockholm syndrome and learn to love Big Brother than go through physical agony.)

Schedule it or wing it?  (Schedule it.  Winging it has some appeal: to be free, flexible, phlegmatic.  But I'd rather live the scheduled life.  To some, being scheduled means possibly missing out on unexpected opportunities.  To me, winging it means definitely missing out on the good things I have already scheduled.  Since I can remember, I've tried to have a plan for each day--I need to schedule time not just for activities, meetings, and chores, but also for reading writing, puzzling, watching TV, napping.  My OCD is not quite as severe as "The Big Bang" Sheldon's, but if someone--my wife, say--out of the blue says "Hey, let's go do X," I become discombobulated.  How can I do X when it's not on my schedule or when it's my time to read the Times online?  A light bulb just burned out?  OK, I'll schedule time tomorrow to change it.  A water pipe just broke?  Yikes!  OK, I'll turn the water off and call a plumber, but here's hoping he doesn't come while I'm still online.)

Live for the moment or for the future?  (Live for the future.  At first blush, at my age, 74, it seems pretty stupid to live for the future.  My life could end in an a-fib heartbeat.  Why not kick back, indulge myself, go from pleasure to pleasure instead of pressure to pressure, spend the money I have saved?  At second blush, I could have quite a few years left on earth.  Why not work to improve [or at least slow the deterioration of] my mental and physical abilities?  Why not keep cranking out pieces of writing and participating in various sports?  The bad times--like when I go 0 for 4 or make a crucial error or write something that falls flat--make me want to just settle for being an old man and quit striving, but the good times--like when I go 4 for 4 or roll a 600 series or turn a phrase that pleases me--occur just frequently enough to prompt me to sustain my efforts, though I will confess that I'm spending a few more hours each week than before flabby-mindedly wallowing in Netflix and odd sports events on TV [like the world's strongest-man competition].  Taking a day off now and then has begun to appeal to me.)

Know when you are going to die or have death come as a sudden surprise?  (Know.  Sudden death means minimal physical and emotional agony, but as stated above, I have always been one to think things over before acting and would like the opportunity, emotionally and physically painful though it might be, to review my life and say my goodbyes.)

Be a Platonist or an Aristotelian?  (Aristotelian.  The essence of Platonism is that the things that are evident to our senses are copies of transcendent ideas.  Ideal forms lie behind the material and are the true reality.  Knowledge of these forms is innate and is brought forth through ratiocination.  Learning is a matter of recalling something one is born knowing.  An example of the process would be the Socratic dialogue, wherein Socrates, through logical reasoning, helps his student bring forth what the student already knows.  The essence of Aristotelianism is that knowledge comes from the observable world and is verifiable through the senses.  Platonism is metaphysical; Aristotelianism is scientific.  I'll go with science.)

Average 200 for a full bowling season or roll a 300 game once?  (Average 200.  Rolling a 300 would be a thrill, but even with 12 good pocket hits it would probably take some luck for all 10 pins to fall on each shot.  Averaging 200 requires consistent competency.)

Bat leadoff or cleanup?  (Cleanup.  Hard to believe of someone so weak and slow, but I have been asked at various times for various teams to fill both roles.  Cleanup hitters are supposed to be power guys who drive in runs and get lots of extra-base hits.  Leadoff hitters are supposed to get on base, and all eyes are on them as the game begins.  Expectations--and pressure--are high for both.  Even in slo-pitch softball you're likely to fail in either role 30-40% of the time, but people tend to remember who failed first, not who failed second.)

Root for a baseball team that plays "small ball" and "puts the game in motion" or one that relies on the 3-run homer?  (The 3-run homer.  Sacrifices, stolen bases, hit-and-runs, ground outs that advance runners--"manufacturing runs," as the saying goes--have their place but do not produce the excitement or satisfaction of the big bangs.)

Have Major League Baseball writers select a Player of the Year or a Most Valuable Player?  (POY.  It's almost impossible to determine who is the most valuable player on strong teams.  Most voters give the honor to the best player on a highly successful team.  Star players on weak teams are just as valuable as star players on strong teams.  Forget MVPs and choose POYs on the basis of achievement as measured by relevant statistics.)

Have Peyton Manning or RGIII play quarterback for your favorite pro team?  (Peyton.  RGIII is exciting and can affect a game with his running as well as his throwing.  But Peyton can get the job done efficiently with just his arm and his tactical and strategic command.  To me there is nothing more enjoyable in football than watching Peyton dance around behind his offensive line, analyzing, gesticulating, calling and then changing a play, and adjusting blocking assignments before barking for the snap.)

See your favorite football team hire as its coach a Nick Saban/Bill Belichick clone or a Steve Spurrier/Rex Ryan clone?  (Spurrier/Ryan clone.  Orthodox, conservative Saban/Belichick have everything and everyone [including themselves] completely under control.  Surprise is anathema to them.  Spurrier/Ryan, successful enough coaches, are more inventive and daring.  They will act on impulse now and then.  So will their players, usually to the team's detriment.  But at least they're not robots sucking the fun out of the game.)

Watch a basketball team play a variety of defenses well or play just one defense really well?  (Play just one defense really well.  It's fun to watch Rick Pitino's teams switch both half-court and full-court defenses according to an opponent's strengths and weaknesses and the tempo of the game, but it's more satisfying to watch a team [like Syracuse with its 2-3 zone or Virginia with its sagging man-to-man] do what it does so well that it bends the opponent's offense to its will.)

*****

Ecurb's Annotated Playlist (cont.)

"My Funny Valentine," the Gerry Mulligan Quartet with Bob Brookmeyer on valve trombone--With a strong, strolling bass providing support, Mulligan understatedly, darkly, conveys  the paradoxes of the song's lyrics, after which Brookmeyer asserts himself more outspokenly before returning to the dark side as the two finish in harmony.

"Utter Chaos," the Mulligan Quartet with Brookmeyer--Very droll, a jaunty reeling off of humorous notes, the two horns noodling a theme like a dog worrying a bone, chaos brought to order.

"Flamenco Sketches," Miles Davis--A hypnotic motif gets this Spanish stewpot stirring and readies us for solos by Davis on trumpet (loose-limbed, easy-going), Cannonball Adderley on alto sax (lilting, warm-toned), and John Coltrane on tenor (muscular, explosive), Bill Evans on piano maintaining melody and beat throughout.

"Solo," Don Ellis--Inspired by John Cage, Ellis and his trumpet treat us to glass shattering, ice tinkling, sirens wailing, whistles shrilling, and a rusty gate squeaking, all the while managing to maintain a rhythm and inveigle the parts into cohering.

"S'Wonderful," Diana Krall with Claus Ogerman's Orchestra--Krall and orchestra give us this romantic Gershwin tune bossa nova style.  Bass, drum, and guitar lay down a suave, sensuous samba beat as Krall sings the hyperbolical lyrics with sweet sincerity and solos on piano, her right hand tinkling the melody over the orchestra's strings and horns playing softly in the background.  S'elegant.