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Hey, Pal, thanks for meeting me. Can I buy you a coffee?
Sure, I'll take a double espresso made from organic, shade-grown, fair-traded beans.
Man, I know that McDonalds has upscaled their menu a bit with mochas and fruit smoothies, but I don't think they do organic espressos yet.
OK, I'll just have water then.
Bottled water?
No way. Tap water only. Plastic is killing the planet.
How about a Big Mac and fries? That's what I'm jonesing for.
No to the Big Mac. You ever see videos about the savagery inflicted on cows at slaughterhouses? You have any idea how much climate-warming methane those dumb beasts produce? Know how much farmers add to pollution when they use tractors and fertilizers to plant extra corn to fatten the poor creatures for the kill? But the fries sound good, actually.
You're not concerned about the transfats in the oil used to cook them?
That's McDonalds' fault, not mine. They shouldn't be serving that stuff if it's bad for you. Like all the little-guy-killing corporations, they advertise their products at great expense--give you a come-on you can't resist, get you to believe that they sell bliss in a bun--then proceed to kill you. I keep receipts and document all my purchases of French fries. If I ever need angioplasty, I'm suing. And if I die of a heart attack, my wife is suing. Somebody's got to be responsible.
I see your point. Anyway, I've got some problems that I need to talk to you about. You're so well informed and have such good insight into me that I feel certain you can help me. First of all, I've been having trouble doing my job at work, and my boss has threatened to fire me. He says I have emotional ups and downs that affect my work, and he gave me a negative performance review. When he did that, I swore at him and then I cried.
Your "boss" is so bogus! You don't have to check your emotions at the door when you report for work. Your tears have a biochemical purpose: they are nature's reset button. They're a sign of strength, not weakness. Your employer is the one who's weak. He needs to accept that there are entire invisible galaxies of salient emotional facts behind every action that you undertake on the job. Weren't you in a car accident three months ago? You're still suffering from post-traumatic-stress syndrome. You can't help what you do or don't do at work. Your boss has no right to fire you for that. He may be your "boss" but he's not the boss of you, know what I mean? Oppression is often built into our very language. "Boss" does not mean "boss." The man is simply your employer. I'm here to tell you that PTSD brings about a shrinking of the brain's hippocampus, which may involve a loss of memory, and that can affect your work output. An emotional support dog can help with this. It can search a room for you and put you at ease; it can also serve as a friend that you can talk to 24/7. If your HMO won't provide one for you, your employer should. And weren't you an attention-deficit disorder kid? That was diagnosed when you were in grade school, right?
Yeah.
ADHD is both genetically and enviromentally caused. If you're zoning out or acting impulsively at work, it's because the auto-receptors of your brain, which are supposed to regulate the pumping of dopamine into your system, are out of whack. Having below normal activity in the brain's frontal lobes, where the executive function lies, you may need more dopamine to activate the neural circuits. You can't be held responsible for any action or lack of action in the workplace unless your employer has designed a plan to accomodate your disability. Has he?
No.
You've probably inherited a deficiently small middle-frontal gyrus, the part of the brain in charge of memory and planning. You can't be expected to pay attention unless he provides you with multiple coffee breaks and a support group you can call on whenever you feel your attention wandering. Someone at work should monitor you 8/5. Also, your employer should arrange for you to visit a neurologist to get electrical stimulation. The brain is plastic, and with stimulation it can be remolded and rewired. Magnetic stimulation can help relax your pain sensors, too. In fact, on the job nap time may be necessary. You need sleep so your brain can prune connections among neurons and flush out those that are distracting. Lack of sleep affects behavioral regulation and memory consolidation. ADHD can be affected by diet, as well. You may be hypersensitive to certain foods. Your parents should have run controlled studies on your diet when you were young to determine which foods are bad for you. Let your employer know that they're the ones to blame. To make sure that you're not having any metabolic problems, your employer should also provide you with a cell phone loaded with an app that allows you to pee or spit on a computer chip, plug it into the phone, and receive a diagnosis.
Okay, that's good. That really helps me. I'll tell him what's causing my problems and ask him to develop a plan for me and provide me with some hardware. If he doesn't, and then proceeds to fire me, I'll sue.
Absolutely. You have rights, you know.
Damn straight. In fact, just thinking about it I'm getting a dopamine rush. I feel so good I'm going to go ahead and order a Big Mac and a large fry and a chocolate shake. You?
I'll have those fries after all. You know, a Wake Forest study showed that we all need "self-compassion," not self-discipline, to become happier. Every hour or so we all need to take a "compassion break" and recite this mantra: "I'm going to be good to myself in this moment." But look at where I am while I'm talking! Ray Kroc and the McDonalds gang said it much better long ago: "You deserve a break today."
You are so right. I really do deserve one. But, uh, you've probably noticed that I've gained about 50 pounds since I saw you last.
Yeah, you do have a Costco-sized muffin top! But, relax, it's not your fault. It's places like this that cause obesity. They supersize everything. How is anybody supposed to eat less than they've paid for? It's humanly impossible! I'm sure that you inherited a fat receptor gene that tells you "Hold on to every calorie, because the next hunting season may not work out so well." There's nothing you can do about the fact that your ancestors didn't dwell near good hunting grounds. You know what? Your pituitary gland, which affects metabolism and can cause weight gain, is often affected by a hazardous class of chemicals that repel grease, water, and oil. The very wrapper surrounding your hamburger may be causing you to gain weight! Not only that, but look at all the 2-for-1 deals and discount coupons that are constantly being thrown at us today. The prospect of getting a good deal sets our nucleus acumbens aquiver, which may provide as much pleasure as the food itself. Cheap food creates obesity. And wouldn't you know it, the most fattening things are the cheapest. A guy on a low income like you can't help eating too much of the cheapest, most fattening foods. Artificial food coloring can be a factor, too. Big Agriculture--Archer Daniels Midland and corporations of that ilk--may be violating you by making their products appeal to the eye. Also, the media are constantly bombarding us with images of unattainable perfection. Who can possibly stay trim like those models in the commercials? No wonder you feel like a failure. Even the new tall skinny can that Pepsi comes in may be intimidating. How can you maintain self-esteem when looking at somethig like that?
You're right, it's impossible. I think I'll just go ahead and order two Big Macs.
Why not?
I have another problem I've been dealing with, though. I've been cutting myself lately. Just getting out the old razor blade and slicing away. That can't be healthy.
No, of course not, although I have seen some people with cutting scars done in very attactive geometric patterns. But the thing is, who's responsible? Not you. Our culture has made you turn against yourself. You see yourself as inferior to those ideally slim and smiling models and cut yourself as a form of penance. Blame society in general for expecting you to shave, thus requiring you to keep a supply of razor blades on hand. And blame your wife for buying razors along with the toothpaste and the toilet paper. She's an enabler.
She definitely is. Maybe she's why I've been very depressed lately.
I would think that she's a contributing factor. But depression also has a fetal origin. Poor prenatal experience sows the seeds of problems that afflict adults. The intrauterine milieu is all-important. Pregnant women should not smoke or drink, as we all know, but they must also learn to control their depression and anxiety lest they pass it on to the fetuses in their wombs. You also probably have a depressed endocannibinoid system. The body's endocannibinoid system released lipids which can enter the brain and provide a pain-easing feeling of euphoria. Yours may be defective. If you're feeling lassitude or torpor, your hormones may be to blame. Or you may have a thyroid deficiency. Or a vitamin D deficiency.
That sounds right. But I have to admit, sometimes I feel more than depressed; sometimes I feel suicidal.
That's perfectly understandable. I know that you like to go driving in the mountains in your free time, and studies show that suicide risk at 6,500 feet above sea level is 33% higher because thinnner air exacerbates mood disorders. Your parents were depressed, too, weren't they? Depressed parents produce severely depressed kids. Stress at home can damage brain cell connections and destroy neural circuits.
The idea of damaged brain cell connections concerns me. I worry that I'm not as smart as most other people.
Your mother didn't breast feed you, did she? Breast-fed babies average 3.1 IQ points higher than those who were not. And was your mother on a health-conscious diet? Such mothers tend to have offspring with higher IQs. Not only that, but even what your grandparents ate may have affected your DNA. You're not a very sociable guy, owing, probably, to a medial orbitofrontal cortex that is smaller than normal, and neurogenesis--the development of brain cells--is much quicker and better with sociable people than with loners.
I am kind of a loner, all right. I feel uneasy in social situations.
You have Social Anxiety Disease, which can occur when you inherit a smaller than normal amygdala.
And I find myself staring in the mirror a lot.
You have a neurosis called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You may have a larger than normal mid-cingulate cortex and a smaller than normal dorsomedial prefrontal cortex.
The trouble is, when I do stare in the mirror, I can only conclude this: I'm ugly.
Not your fault, of course. Pulchritude is entirely genetic, although the problem is compounded by a society that reveres the beautiful and denigrates the ugly. But it does help to explain why you're a little stupid. Attractive men have IQs 13.6 points above average.
Not only am I embarrassed about my brains and my looks but I really lost self-esteem last weekend when I entered an all-comers track meet and all the black runners beat me in the 100 and 200 meter races.
That's understandable. In people of West African descent, the center of gravity, the belly-button, is significantly higher than it is in people of European origins. These runners have a "hidden height" that is three percent greater than that of whites, giving them a significant speed advantage on the track. You should take them on in swimming. Whites have the advantage there because they have longer torsos.
On the subject of blacks, I know it's not very nice, but I have to say it: I hate strangers, expecially those whose skin color differes from mine.
You probably have too much oxytocin, the agent of ethnocentrism. It's a hormone that promotes love and good will toward the class, not toward universal brotherhood. It favors in-groups and families. When people get together with others who share their values, that drives up the level of oxytocin. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your middle cingulate cortex and middle frontal gyrus are probably too large, and your dorsomedial prefrontal cortex is probably too small. You were born a racist. Nothing you can do about it until Big Pharma invents some new drugs.
Wow, this stuff is all very helpful. Do you think you could write some of it down for me? I seem to be forgetting a lot of things these days. I'm worried that I may be experiencing the onset of Alzheimer's.
If you are, there's nothing you can do about it. The Alzheimer gene is something you inherit. And, unfortunately, you're monolingual. Those who were bilingual from infancy get the disease later in life and cope with it better. Blame your parents again: they should have spoken two or more languages at home when you were growing up.
You know, it's sad to say, but in addition to my other problems, I've become addicted to both alcohol and heroin.
You can't help that! You've probably got a striatum problem that causes your craving for drugs and booze. The striatum is a dopamine-rich part of the brain that memorizes rituals or routines that are linked to getting a particular reward. Environmental cues trigger the striatum to make some behaviors almost automatic. Such habits are amost impossible to break. That depressed endocannibinoid system of yours may be a factor here, too. It may not be releasing enough lipids to ease all the pain you feel in your daily life. Also, stress encountered in childhood is a neurotoxin for the brain and psyche, and the scars are permanent. It undermines the normal wiring of brain circuits and impairs the integration of information between the right and left hemispheres. This impairment is associated with craving, drug abuse, dependence and the inablility to make moral judgments. You could very well be traumatized like that.
That makes sense. Now (looks around, whispers), lean in a little closer, would you? Most embarrassing of all, I'm also a sex addict.
That is so understandable-- and nothing to be embarrassed about. Your sexuality is a complex amalgam that involves your brain's hormonal system, its frontal lobe reward system, and its limbic system, which controls mood. You probably inherited the DRD4 gene. Studies show that persons with a certain variant of the DRD4 gene are more likely to have one-night stands and adulterous affairs. For some, sex seems to provide more of a dopamine high. Evolution created the dopamine system to motivate lots of sexual activity because life was short. Today, those who are more genetically inclined than others to react impulsively are likely to have particularly sensitive dopamine pathways. Sex also releases endorphins, whcih are peptides that activate opiate receptors. And then there's all the sex in movies and TV programs these days, all the come-hither ads, all the touted remedies for erectile disfunction. How could you not be an addict? You feel that you're missing out on something, so naturally you over-compensate.
Whew, thanks, Pal. You've give me such relief. I always feel the old dopamine working its magic when I talk to you.
You're most welcome, Buddy. Glad to help. Just remember, any problem, dissatisfaction, or failing that you have is caused by nature, by nurture, or by both. You are most definitely not responsible. You are a victim. Free will is an illusion. You've been programed by your inheritance and your environment. It's all a matter of fate. Accept it.
Excellent points! But you know, while you were talking, something else occurred to me. All the other people who ever lived or are living now--the parents and grandparents, the friends and acquaintances, the co-workers, the managers and directors of businesses and corporations, the mayors, governors, legislators, and judges, the bureaucrats, the teachers, the professional, the murderers and other criminals, the terrorists, the jihadists, the dictators, even Hitler--are the victims of nature and nurture also, going all the way back to Adam and Eve or to the first single-celled organism, as the case may be. Whatever failings or weaknesses they had or have, or whatever evil they did or do, was or will be someone else's fault, right?
My friend, don't go there. From Plato to the present, none of the great philosophers or theologians has ever satisfactorily solved the conundrum of fate versus free will. Stay on message: it's not my fault, there's nothing I can do about it, if anyone is to blame it's the other guy or gal. That's your story and you're sticking to it!
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