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"Mondegreen," a term coined by Sylvia Wright in a 1954 Harper's Magazine article, means "misheard song lyrics." It comes from a mis-hearing of a Scottish ballad whose first stanza concludes "And hae laid him on the green." To Sylvia Wright, the line sounded like "And Lady Mondegreen." Today, the term also refers to lyrics that have been intentionally, irreverently revised. Examples: "Jimmy crapped corn and I don't care"; "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina"; "I love spareribs in the springtime." I decided to take the revision idea one step farther by attributing my lyrics to specific singers, for satirical effect. Hope you recognize most of the tunes.
1. "Texta me, texta me mucho..." (one tweeting lover to another)
2. "I have often stalked down this street before..." (Ted Bundy, before being captured)
3. "I get no kick from campaigns..." (Sarah Palin, just before excoriating the media about its treatment of her family)
4. "I let a fart in San Francisco, high on a hill it waits for me..." (Tony Bennett, after downing a big bowl of pasta e fagioli at a Nob Hill restaurant)
5. "Do you know the way to ban Jose..." (Jon Kyle, anti-immigration senator from AZ)
6. "Decibel-eh-eh-eh-el, decibel-eh-eh-eh-el, if ever the devil was born to too loudly blow a horn..." (a senior citizen in the front row of a battle-of- the-bands contest)
7. "The fewest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle, and the Greens the greenest green in Seattle..." (a sun-loving, anthropic-global-warming skeptic on why he moved from Washington to Arizona)
8. "Bros, bros, I love you..." ( a sentimental gang-banger to his buddies in the 'hood)
9. "When you dish upon a star, makes no difference whom you mar..." (gossip columnist Suzanne Condie Lambert on her philosophy of reporting)
10. "Mustapha bin Moonglow went out in a big blow..." (radical Islamists praising a fellow terrorist's suicide bombing)
11. "Hate the vice, hate the vice..." (Chaplin Von Trapp, reform-minded preacher)
12. "My dear Mr. Shane, please help us maintain..." (Marian Starrett to the mysterious gunslinger who wound up saving her family's homestead)
13. "Aisle B--seating you in all the old familiar places..." (a Safeco Field usher to a season ticket holder)
14. "I yoost found yoy, yah sure I'm as happy as a baby boy, since I met my Swede Loren..." (Stan Boreson at a karaoke bar in Ballard)
15. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I sought a gal in Kalama's Zoo..." (an e-Harmony patron about a date set up for him in Southwest Washington)
16. "I got a right to sling the booze..." (21-year-old bartender to a cop who questioned his age and occupation)
17. "I've had the mime of my life..." (English-speaking femme after a date with Marcel Marceau)
18. "They tried to sell us egg foo young..." (American patrons in a Peking restaurant decrying the management's attempt to treat them like typical tourists)
19. "Buy buy love, come try happiness..." (a lady of the evening, standing streetside)
20. "It's only on pay-per-view..." (a cable company rep to a disgruntled customer trying to find a championship boxing match)
21. "Ghouls rush in when angels fear the dead..." (a necrophiliac gets psyched up for an evening out)
22. "Oh my ta-tas, to me you are so wonderful..." (Dolly Parton, showering)
23. "I got the girl on a sting..." (a cop who masqueraded as an attendant at an adult family home to catch an aide who had been stealing from elderly residents)
24. "OK, Sarah, Sarah, whatever you'll be, you'll be..." (Republican National Committee chairperson to Mrs. Palin after she announced her resignation as governor in order to become a more effective spokesperson for conservative causes)
25. "I know I've gone from hags to bitches..." (a man unlucky in love who nevertheless keeps trying to meet Ms. Right)
26. "I saw those barber lights..." (a man in need of a haircut who spotted a neon sign reading "Shear Madness")
27. "Bennies in a stream, falling leaves of liquor--more!--moonshine in Vermont" (a drug and alcohol abuser, hallucinating)
28. "All I haunt is a tomb somewhere..." (a zombie, having found his resting place)
29. "A couple of chiggers in moonlight and add a larp..." (an entomologist collecting specimens at night)
30. "Some day my prints will come..." (a shutterbug with a digital camera and a very slow Hewlett-Packard Photo-Smart)
31. "I'm walkin', yes indeed, and I'm balkin'..." (a pitching prospect explaining why he's having trouble getting out of the minor leagues)
32. "Oh beautiful, for specious guys..." (David Letterman, lauding the usefulness of his Top 10 excuses for not committing to relationships)
33. "You must take an A frame..." (a ski-lodging proprietor on what he has available to rent)
34. "Obama done sold me..." (a car dealer convinced of the economic value of the "Cash for Clunkers" program)
35. "Gonna take a sedimental journey..." (a geologist about to set out on a rock-collecting expedition)
36. "Chess nuts boasting round an open fire..." (Bobby Fischer and Boris Spasky on a camping trip)
37. "Right here there's Muzak, how quaint the tune..." (a turned-off rider on an elevator)
38. "Clone o' Lisa, clone o' Lisa, men will hound you..." (a geneticist after recreating Leonardo's enigmatic charmer)
39. "I'm scheming of a white isthmus..." (a Caucasian supremacist planning to establish a new colony on a narrow strip of land)
40. "You picked prime time to peave me, loose heel..." (a female contestant stumbling on Dancing With the Stars)
41. "Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a no man's man, I'm a gonna flop, ha, ha, ha, ha, takin' a dive, takin' a dive..." (a boxer about to throw a match after being bribed by gamblers)
42. "You really got a cold from me..." (a boyfriend to a girlfriend after sharing a can of Coke)
43. "We air homilies, I got all the Sisters with me..." (a Catholic priest plugging his TV sermons, with a chorus of nuns in the background)
44. "Let's calibrate good climes, come on..." (a meteorologist looking at his charts and forecasting a pleasant run of high pressure and warm temperatures)
45. "Hello, violence, my old friend..." (Jack the Ripper, readying for a night's work)
46. "We will, we will clock you..." (highway patrolmen with radar guns, their cars hidden behind a bridge abutment)
47. "When we defin the sardine..." (cannery workers preparing their product for tinning)
48. "Oh, my doves, my starlings, you've hungered at my hutch..." (an avid bird-lover restocking her feeder)
49. "Those cool limpets in green ice..." (a waiter promoting a new dish at a seafood restaurant)
50. "Prancing in the park..." (a couple enjoying a romantic carriage ride above Manhattan's 59th St.)
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