 |
|
|
 |
|
"Starbucks sticks to its guns on open-carry policy"--CNN headline
Excuse me, Miss. Mind if I join you on this couch? I like your tan, and may I say that's a smashing Smith and Wesson semi-automatic .45 in your shoulder holster?
Oh, do sit down. You look like someone I can trust. And you've got a handsome Glock in that hip holster yourself, Mister.
Sweet of you to say so. You just never know when you're going to need your weapon. I suppose you heard about the sicko that killed the cops in a Tacoma Starbucks last year?
I certainly did. I tell you, if I had been there, I would've drilled that guy three times. He would've been hemorrhaging on the floor with his eyes rolled back and his mouth agape. A barista's not the only one who can produce a triple shot!
Copy that. You are absolutely speaking my language. It's as if we share the same thoughts. Why do you suppose those cops weren't able to open fire on that guy? Maybe they were too absorbed in their cop gossip and their dark cherry mochas and pumpkin scones? Me, I'm always ready to draw. I will let no one get the drop on me. At night I sleep with one eye open, my Glock at my side and a loaded shotgun under the bed. When I'm here at Starbucks, even when I'm reading, I've got one eye on everybody else while my right hand slowly palpates my holstered gun.
I'm the same way. I mean, I trust you, but my right hand is always going to be poised up around my left shoulder. A teenager bombed a Starbucks in Manhattan last year, acting out his hatred of corporate America, remember? You've got to watch everybody. Even what looks like a pregnant woman could be an Islamist man in disguise with a bomb strapped to his stomach. And did you notice that guy over there with the bulge? I think he has a loaded pistol in his belt under his shirt. I worry about those quiet, lonely types. Those are usually your mass killers.
I agree--yikes! What was that scream about? Draw! Tuck, roll, and cover!
Ooh, I love how street savvy you are! You are so my hero, hidden over there behind those shelves of mugs and coffee makers and Via instant coffee powders, ready to avenge us all if need be. But relax. It was just the barista expostulating after accidentally spraying herself with scalded milk. And the reason other people are screaming now is that you're waving that Glock around. Please reholster and come back to the couch, my gunslinger.
Sure, no problem. That actually turned out to be a good little practice drill for me. You've got to be ready for anything. I hate sudden movements and sudden noises like the whining roar of the blender or the sizzling hiss of the steamer.
Yes, they make me edgy, too. So, I notice that we both bring books when we come for coffee. What are you reading?
Shakespeare's sonnets. And you?
Proust. Swann's Way. En Francaise.
Vous parlez Francais?
Mais oui. J'aime boire du cafe, manger un croissant, et lire un livre.
J'aime la meme chose. Mais toujours avec un Glock. I've also got a Derringer as a backup. It's inside my pantleg, strapped to my calf.
Me too! I'm beginning to think we're soul-mates! That's what I like about Starbucks--meeting people you can bond with. Starbucks provides what they like to call a "third-place" experience, something that transcends the home and the workplace. It really fills a need.
Oh, it does, it does. I love the whole ambience. Like these comfortable couches and easy chairs.
A community bulletin board.
Great music. Yesterday I heard Billie Holiday, Blossom Dearie, Art Tatum's "Humoresque" and Gerry Mulligan's classic "Birth of the Cool". And right now they've got Dean Martin crooning "That's Amore." I love his sly, insinuating style.
And Starbucks has a social conscience, too. Profits from their Ethos bottled water go to rural Somalia.
They sell mostly organic, shade-grown, environmentally responsible coffee beans, and profits from those sales help pay for treatment for Africans with HIV. Right now I'm drinking their East African blend with its flavors of brown spice and citrus, a single cup brewed in their incredibly expensive Clover machine. Outstanding!
I'm drinking a single-cup brew, too--Chanchamaya from Peru, with flavors of roasted nuts and fresh herbs. Such subtlety!
And best of all, they let you carry guns openly. You can talk or read secure in the knowledge that at any minute you could blow someone away if you had to.
Yes! What a feeling! I don't know what's come over me, but suddenly I'm channeling Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. I want to do handsprings and long tumbling runs.
Dear Dark Lady, you move me to quote the Bard:
"When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past..."
Oh, I am absolutely charmed by your receding hairline and pointed goatee, and I shiver deliciously when you quote your Will to allude to my Marcel. You're fusing us in a marriage of true minds.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
Oh, God, yes.
"Thou art more lovely and more temperate."
I don't feel more temperate right now. I feel like squeezing a gun and....
Let's get out of here, shall we?
Yes. My weapons base or yours?
Yours. But you should know that I leave my holster on when I make love.
Oh, I do, too! That makes it so much more exciting. You never know when a gun might go off. We mustn't hurry the process, though. No rushin' roulette for us. And, Darling, let's plan to have our wedding right here at Starbucks, so we can wear our guns during the ceremony. I'm sure they'll let us rent out the place. We'll invite all of our packin' friends, I'll ask the baristas to be my bridesmaids and have them stick capguns in their bras to carry out our theme, and you and I will wear matching bandoliers.
And will we have children one day? After all, "From fairest creatures we desire increase."
But of course. And we'll bring them up properly. We'll teach them to be always on guard, suspicious of everybody. We'll give them extensive shooting lessons and show them how to quick draw. We'll put pellet guns in their backpacks when they go to daycare, then upgrade to Derringers when they enter kindergarten. They have the right to bear arms, and they'll bear them right.
I love how you've mapped out our future. What God hath joined together let no man put asunder, or he'll be eating lead instead of wedding cake.
|
|
|