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It's often said these days that some utterance is "code" for an altogether different meaning. For example, in regard to a recent Arizona legislature-redistricting proposal, many Republicans say that the term "competitive districts" is code for "Democratic districts." Here's my contribution to that decoding manual you've been looking for at Barnes and Noble.
"It's time for Republicans to put country ahead of party and work to lower the deficit" means "It's time for the Republicans to give in to the Democrats."
"It's time for Democrats to put country ahead of party and work to lower the deficit" means "It's time for the Democrats to give in to the Republicans."
"While the Justice Department has never lied about excluding some documents from being accessed by invoking the Freedom of Information Act, the Department believes that past practices could have been more transparent" means "Okay, we lied. In the future we'll try to do a better job of covering up our lies."
"The successful test yesterday of a long-range missile is an impressive technological achievement and an important step in Israel's rocket and space progress" means "Back off on your nuclear-development program, Iran, or Israel will bomb your nuclear sites to smithereens."
"The least of my concerns is the politics of a year from now. I'm worried about putting people back to work right now because folks are hurting and the U.S. economy is underperforming" means "You bet I'm concerned about politics right now, and if the economy doesn't improve there won't be any politics for me after the next election."
"When I found out there was an 18 1/2 minute gap in those Oval Office tapes we made, I practically blew my stack" means "When I found out about the gap, I shouted for joy."
"We're working to collect the information required to answer the Congressman's letter. We will, of course, provide a thorough response as promptly as possible" means "We're going to stonewall as long as we possibly can in hopes that the issue will go away."
"We didn't go in with the intention of killing Ghadafi, we just wanted to liberate the Libyan people" means "You bet your prayer rug we intended to kill Ghadafi."
"I was disappointed in Putin's return to power because Medvedev seemed poised to help Russia develop a knowledge-based economy" means "Putin is a bully and a thug."
"America should never 'lead from behind'" means "Let's attack Syria and Iran, with or without help from allies."
"We should exercise 'soft power'" means "We don't have the money or the troops or the will to invade any one right now."
"We need to put on a military surge" means "We need to kill a whole lot more of those guys."
"It's perfectly normal for the EU to ask China to help bail out Greece" means "The EU is really desparate."
"We're occupying Wall Street because we want to give the country back to the 99%" means "We don't really have a clue about how to make the economy better except to show our anger."
"I'm very open about the fact that I've had moments in my life that I regret" means "I regret that I was caught and that you're trying to make a big deal out of it."
"We need to secure the borders before we can enact a comprehensive immigration policy" means "We all know the border will never be totally secure, so let's just forget about a comprehensive immigration policy, keep out as many illegals as we can, catch as many who are already here as we can, deport as many as we can, and never allow amnesty."
"We need comprehensive immigration reform today" means "Amnesty now! Have a heart. Give the illegals a break. They're trying to improve their lives, and our economy needs them."
"We're going to try Seif al-Islam Ghadafi at home, not in the International Criminal Court" means "We're going to hang the bastard."
"With all due respect, Mayor Halman, productive discussions have been taking place for three years" means "You're not entitled to any respect--and haven't been for the last three years."
"That said, Mitt Romney has changed his mind more times than Elizabeth Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor combined" means "Forget that obligatory positive bull crap I said in the first part of the sentence, Romney doesn't deserve your vote because he's a flip-flopper." (Secondary, unintended meaning: "If I'm alluding to Taylor and Gabor, I'm really old.")
"Our athletic department contends that the violations we committed were simply a failure to monitor, not a lack of institutional control" means "We're really splitting hairs in a desparate hope that the NCAA will give us a break."
"A stipend paid to college athletes in addition to their scholarships should not be seen as a step toward play-for-pay in college sports" means "We're trying to maintain a facade of amateurism, so please play along by pretending that paying our athletes does not make them professionals."
"Bless his little heart, he meant well" means "Damn his eyes, anyway."
"The American people deserve better than someone like me being tried in the court of public opinion due to unfounded accusations" means "I know I'm guilty, so let's make it about what the American people deserve, not about what I deserve."
"Don't take this the wrong way" means "I'm trying to sugarcoat it, but there's really only one way you can take this and you're not going to like it."
"Gee, that's interesting" means "Boring!"
"I'm very humbled to win this award tonight" means "I'm so proud of myself. I just wish it were socially acceptable to gloat."
"I saw the trainer about my injury. We've figured out some things we can do that will allow me to be more aggressive and to play with less pain" means "They're going to shoot me full of painkillers so I can play."
"He's interning with us" means "We suckered him into working for nothing."
"We hired him on an independent contractor basis" means "Ha, ha, we don't have to give him any benefits, like health insurance or a pension plan."
"I don't recall the incident you're referring to, counselor" means "You can't prove anything and I'll never incriminate myself."
"His approach and his remarks are very nuanced" means
"He's weak."
"He's a troubled young man" means "He needs psychiatric help."
"He's a disturbed young man" means "He should be in a mental asylum."
"I'm not perfect, you know" means "Gotcha! You have to let me skate on this issue because there's no denying the truth of what I just said."
"Enjoy the rest of your day" means "I don't really care what you do after we go our separate ways, I'm just trying to be affable."
"I don't think I've ever seen a case where that type of eyewitness identification of sex acts took place and the police weren't called" means "It's a total cover-up."
"We're updating our fee structure" means "We're going to start charging you more for our services."
"Although we compete on product and price, we believe that service is often the deciding factor" means "Our prices are really high."
"There's a reason for everything" means "Something terrible happened and we need to put the best face possible on it."
"I'm helping a customer but I'll be right with you" means "I'm busy and I have no idea when I'll be able to help you and in fact I wish I never had to help you or anybody else."
"Your call is important to us" means "We're going to try to wait you out. We want you to just hang up and go away."
"I've taken full responsibility for my lack of judgment and poor decision in getting that DUI. This will never, ever, happen again" means "I'm saying exactly what my handlers tell me I need to say in order to rehab my reputation."
"It would be unfair to the process to put a timetable on a decision to extend Dennis Erickson's contract" means "Erickson is toast."
"Will he be fired? There are complexities to that issue that I am not prepared to go into at this point" means "Yes. As soon as the season ends."
"So you're thinking of playing Las Sendas? That's a pretty tough course" means "You're a crappy golfer--stick to the munis."
"I like the guys on the team this year, but as the coach I have a real sense of we have to get better" means "These guys don't have any talent. Expect us to lose a lot of games this year."
"It's not about being the best, it's about doing your best" means "We're losers but we're trying to maintain our dignity so please play along by pretending that effort is more important than results."
"He wants to make a play so badly that he has to make sure he stays focused on his technique" means "He lacks self-discipline."
"Not to blame the refs, but free throws were the difference in this game" means "We lost because of the refs."
"We'll learn from this and go on from here" means "We've got to try to take something positive from this setback. We can never admit that we're terrible and won't get any better."
"Gallaraga pitches to contact" means "They hit Gallaraga hard and often--we can only hope that our defense bails us out."
"As the quarterback, I'm not looking for the individual matchup with the other team's quarterback. I'm just looking to play football and have fun" means "I am so looking for the individual matchup. I want everyone to know that I'm way better than he is."
"We need to learn how to win" means "We've taught them all the techniques we can but they just don't have much talent so let's pretend that they just need a special course in the psychology of winning."
"This is real-life football. You don't win all your games all the time--as much as we've done that around here" means "Okay, we lost one game, but we've been great and we're still great, so get off our case."
"I'm just tired of being in this losing situation time and time again. It's been like this for the past three or four years and it's getting old" means "Fire the coach."
"I was surprised when you said you didn't itemize your taxes" means "You're dumb."
"I would have thought you'd check the air pressure in your tires before you drove to California" means "You're dumb."
"I expected you to re-raise when he raised your pair of kings and had no pair showing himself" means "You're dumb."
I don't understand why the coach made that call on third and one" means "He's dumb."
"Hey, you look great, sir" means "I'm trying desparately to say something positive about you, old geezer."
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