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Outraged at the recent mass shootings in Tucson, AZ, Governor Jan Brewer today implored the state legislature to craft a bill mandating that all Arizona residents five years and older port a gun capable of using high-capacity ammunition clips.
"I hear you, sister," said state senator Lori Klein (R-Anthem), who carried a .38 special into the state capitol for Brewer's State of the State address. "I know it's currently against the law to bring guns into the capitol building. That said, I always pack," Klein shot out. "Our safety is our personal responsibility. Anyone who travels heatless in Arizona is a menace to society. If Gabby (Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, D-Tucson) and her aides had been armed, somebody would have plugged that Loughner guy (Jared Loughner, accused shooter of Giffords and 17 others) before more than a couple of hadfuls of people were killed or wounded. And Arizona, in a time of financial distress, would have been spared the cost of a long, dragged-out trial.
"Another thing I've got in the crosshairs of my gunsight is so-called 'Gun-Free Zones,' like schools and public buildings. Let's call them what they really are: 'Victim Zones.' We've got to change the law. We wouldn't have the problem with bullying that we have today if kids were armed and could give a taste of lead to anyone who tried to take their lunch money or make a nasty comment about them on Facebook."
Rep. Russell Pearce (R-Mesa) added that all state legislators should follow Klein's illegal practice. "I don't care if it is against the law. If I have to vote for security over freedom, I'll always favor freedom. I mean, I'm just sayin'," Pearce said cryptically, leaving reporters scrambling to deconstruct his meaning.
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Chinese President Hu Jintao in a news conference today acknowledged that China needs to make more progress on the issue of human rights.
"China is in a crucial state of reform," Hu stated. "In terms of human rights, we are perhaps 'developmentally delayed,' as you Westerners might say, or 'challenged,' if you prefer, but if you show us love and patience and present us with moral lessons that are on our level of comprehension, we will eventually mature into a society that values life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
"That said, it would be foolish on our part to allow our citizens to demonstrate in public squares, express themselves freely on the Internet, or have access to all domains on the Internet. Citizens might not make wise choices if we permitted them to 'act out,' as you Westerners say. A developing society cannot tolerate opposing opinions. Similarly, it would be foolish of us to respect intellectual property rights; forbidding intellectual piracy could damage our economy. We must continue to crackdown on the Uigers and keep the Dalai Lama in exile to guard against sedition and secession. And there is no way that we can recognize Lu Xiabo as a Nobel Peace Prize winner because the granting of the award to him was itself an act of war against us by Westerners. Lu is a criminal and must not be rewarded for his crime. I mean, I'm just sayin', Hu smiled enigmatically in conclusion.
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"I don't want to be associated with the first state in the U.S. to do away with tenure,"Anne Mariucci, a member of the Board of Regents for the Arizona state university system, said recently. "We have a serious budget crisis in higher education and we need to take cost-saving measures. But tenure is a time-honored tradition that gives our professors job security and enables them to have the academic freedom to say what they want to say and research what they want to research. This freedom is sorely needed at the university level, and we would never want to take it away. That said, what we are going to do to make ends meet is simply eliminate programs. When the programs go, the faculty goes, too. So tenure is a non-issue here. We believe in it and will always cling to it. I mean, I'm just sayin'."
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U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc) said he felt no pressure when he was selected to give the GOP response to President Barack Obama's recent State of the Union address. "Theoretically, one would listen carefully and present a cogent, point-by-point rebuttal of the President's speech," Ryan stated. "That said, you really don't have to listen or react. No matter what Obama comes up with, we Republicans have our boiler-plate talking points, prepared by our speech writers and vetted by our party leadership: cut spending, cut taxes, reduce the size of government, strengthen national defense. All I have to do is read them off the teleprompter. The response could basically have been written during FDR's administration. Come to think of it, except for the addition of a couple of 21st century references, I believe it was. I mean, I'm just sayin'."
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"Okay, I'm a snarky guy who takes cheap shots at celebrities," admitted comedian Ricky Gervais, referring to criticism he received for remarks he made as host of the recent Golden Globe Awards.
"That said, I'm not going to apologize for being true to myself. Far too many people rein in their mischievous or malevolent impulses. I don't repress my id. Freud taught us that repression can lead to neurosis. The liberal Hollywood crowd is way too defensive. When I say I like a drink as well as the next man unless the next man is Mel Gibson, they laugh because they know he's a right-winger. And if I were to say that Starbucks and Victoria's Secret ought to merge because they're both preoccupied with cup sizes, they'd put their anti-corporate hands together for me. But let me poke a little innocent fun at a sacred cow like that boozer/womanizer Charlie Sheen or that sacred sow Cher, and they're all up on their moral high horses. Be true to yourself, I say. Sure, that didn't work out the way we would have liked it to for Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Idi Amin, Baby Doc Duvalier, Saddam Hussein, Mao Tse Tung, or Ted Bundy, but they were the exceptions that prove the rule. I mean, I'm just sayin'."
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