 |
|
|
 |
|
CNN Trailer: High calorie intake linked to loss of memory in elderly, Obama lets 10 states escape "No Child" rules, Chili Institute IDs new hottest pepper on planet, Casinos betting on hands-free toilet-seat cover, High calore intake linked to loss of memory in elderly, Obama lets 10 states escape "No Child" rules, Chili Institute IDs new hottest pepper on planet, Casinos betting on hands-free toilet-seat cover...
A Meal to Remember, A Meal to Forget
Having parked their Buick sedan overlapping a painted strip, thereby rendering two parking spaces unavailable, a couple of senior gents approached a fast-food emporium, paused at the door uncertain whether they should push or pull, guessed wrongly, regained their balance, guessed correctly, and made their way inside.
"Hey, it's your 75th birthday, old pal, so this lunch is on me. What'll you have?"
"What about a Big Mac with double cheese, large fries, and a large chocolate shake?"
"Fine with me."
"And for yourself?"
"A green salad with grilled chicken, no dressing, and a glass of water."
"Do you always eat so sparingly, spartanly? Did I buy you lunch on your birthday last year?"
"You did. And thanks again."
"What did you have then?"
"A fish taco and a diet Coke."
"What did I have?"
"A shrimp burrito with taco chips and a large regular Coke."
"Did I like it?"
"You seemed to."
"So, did I tell you what I want to eat today?"
"You did."
"And what was it?"
"Big Mac with double cheese, large fries, and a large chocolate shake."
"Mmm, that sounds so good. My mouth is watering. Have you already odered it?"
"No, but I'm just about to."
"Great. Just let me know how much my share comes to. Can you change a twenty?"
Too Many to Fail
"Before I take your questions," said Barack Obama at his recent Presidential press conference, "I'd like to announce that I've decided to absolve 10 of our states from following the requirements of the No Child Left Behind education act, provided that they submit their own plans for evaluating what their students have learned."
"Mr. President, what is the purpose of this decision? Won't it signal to parents and students that schools will no longer be held accountable for their students' progress in the development of skills in math and reading?"
"Not at all. We will combine greater freedom with greater accountability."
"What does that mean, exactly?"
"Just exactly what it says."
"Could you be more specific?"
"Having trouble understanding me? Sounds like maybe you were educated under the standards of No Child Left Behind! The point is, schools will now be free to evaluate students with methods other than test scores. Evaluation through test scores is so 20th century. Tests are not fair to students who do poorly on them. If we go by test scores, many students will be left behind. In assessing educational progress, we need to factor in qualities that go beyond skills in math and reading."
"Such as?"
"Well, politeness, for one. Students who are polite may now be considered competent. Polite students demonstrate a quality than enables a diverse society to function cooperatively, smoothly. Also, attendance, punctuality, and persistence. Students who show up consistently and on time and who keep trying to do what they don't know how to do have the key qualities that a modern society needs."
"But what if they just can't get the job done? What if, when someone says to them 'You do the math', they can only helplessly reply 'I don't know how'?"
"That's an elitiest point of view. It has no place in a democracy. Those who test poorly should never be stigmatized by the harsh bigotry of high expectations--or of any expectations. We don't want to produce robots who can pass standardized tests. We want to produce creative thinkers who can use their imaginations to develop solutions to seemingly intractable problems."
"Such as the problem of poor test scores?"
Packing Heat
"Hi, come on in! Glad you could make it to our party."
"August, the pleasure's all ours. But why are you and June in your swim suits? You didn't tell us you were having a pool party. It's still winter, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah, sure--according to the calendar. But that doesn't affect us."
"So I see. The sweat is dripping off you. What's going on? It's freezing cold in this hallway. We can see our own breath!"
"Wait a sec, let me just dry off with this towel I always carry over my shoulder. There, that's better. Now, what's going on is this: we have solved our home heating problems. We don't need gas, oil, or electricity to heat our home. We don't need solar panels. We don't need expensive insulation. We have discovered an almost cost-free way to reduce our personal consumption of energy, our carbon footprint. It's called the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion."
"A scorpion? Aren't those things dangerous?"
"No, not the insect scorpion. The chili pepper scorpion. We grow the plants outside in the summertime, then harvest them, dry them, and grind them into a powder. The capsaicinoid compounds produce a mean heat of 1.2 million units on the Scoville heat scale. I mean, that's a mean mean! You snort some of that stuff every hour or so and you never need to turn on your furnace. In fact, you don't need to buy any winter clothes--no down-filled jackets, no long pants. When we leave the house, June and I and the kids just wear shorts and T shirts regardless of the temperature. As long as we carry a baggie full of dried Scorpion, we're gold. This stuff is going to catch on, believe me. It'll soon be all over the blogosphere. On his highly influential website, Ecurb Snave is already singing its praises. So come on, sit down here at the coffee table and let's do a line together. Then we'll get you out of those heavy clothes and into the extra swim suits that we keep on hand for our guests. And help yourselves to the towels stacked on the table there.
Best Seats in the House
"Melody, I just got back from the most wonderful trip to Phoenix!"
"Really? You lucky girl! Did you take in some spring training baseball games?"
"No, I don't care much for baseball."
"Did you ride a dune buggy in the desert?"
"No, I hate dust and noise."
"Go rock climbing?"
"No, that's too scary."
"Hike one of the many mountain trails?"
"No, that's too boring."
"Tube the Salt River or lie by the motel pool and soak up the rays?"
"No, I didn't want to risk sunburn and premature wrinkling."
"Hit the upscale shops and resaurants in Scottsdale?"
"No, that's too expensive. We just stayed in the casino and ate at the buffets."
"Well, just what was so wonderful about your trip?"
"The toilet seats! All the casinos are putting in electronic devices that automatically change a plastic sanitary seat cover for you. They're wonderful! So neat, so clean, so germ-free. The user gets great protection and doesn't have to touch any part of the commode with her hands. All she has to do is put her backside on the covered seat. Public bathrooms are a convention center for germs, but with these covers you have nothing to worry about. I was ecstatic! Going to visit Mrs. Murphy was the most enjoyable part of my trip. Tonight I'm going to sit right down and write a big fan letter to the Arizona Bureau of Tourism in praise of casino toilets."
"Good idea. And be sure to reciprocate for the way you were treated by putting 'Love and kisses' on the bottom."
|
|
|